The healing power of depression

Wanderer Stories
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Dear friends,

I feel the need to share a bit of my life story because I think many will be able to take something useful from it.

I have been living with depressive crises of varying duration for about 20 years, which, as is the case for many, led me on the path of an intense spiritual search.

I ended up becoming a meditation and emotional healing facilitator myself, with a fair amount of recognition in my country.
But depression never left me, to the point that for the past couple of years I had to stop live meetings and gradually withdraw from the scene due to social anxiety and mental confusion.

Clearly, I found myself experiencing the “imposter syndrome.” How could I have the arrogance to help when myfrequency was so low?
Yet, I continue to receive so many thanks every day for my work, and this helped me realize that all this self-judgment and self-loathing was insane and was degrading my potential.

It is not easy to live with depression. Those who have been through it know this well.
One feels fragile because one never knows when the next crisis will come. One cannot make plans or see ways out, and life can quickly become hell.
For me, because of my work as a spiritual facilitator, there was also a deep sense of shame…
I am still learning to accept the fact that opposite states of consciousness can coexist within us, and that the rigid pursuit of consistency or “high vibrations” can become a tool of self-punishment.

Some days I am totally aligned and can channel a frequency that touches people deeply and helps them feel better. Other days I feel confused, alienated from this world, and can no longer even remember what it felt like to feel connected.

I have learned to give only when I feel able to do so, and to remain still when the frequency is low.

In this past year, I have become aware of how this intensifying painful process is just that evolutionary acceleration that has been talked about for so long.
In my naivety, I thought I had “already given” with the many years of spiritual work, and that the acceleration would be a leap into joy.
Instead, it brought up so much darkness that I was overwhelmed. Sometimes I see my child’s traumas still fresh, and the same dynamics I was putting in place at age 7 still repeating themselves today.

Initially, this confused me so much because I have been working on healing this child for years, with great catharsis and recovering a lot of energy. And yet here we are again.
In a space where everything comes to the surface at great speed, and everything instantly mirrors what needs to be rebalanced. “It’s too much!” I sometimes say to myself. But right away I recognize that it is inevitable, and that there is no other way but through this dark forest.

In my personal case (and who knows if any of you will find yourself in this) the crux of the suffering is to have a powerful mind. I have a brilliant mind that can juggle many different things and create complex strategies.

This mind still deludes itself into thinking it can be in control, engulfs details searching for the perfect solution, and then gets a bellyache.

But as much as I see with increasing clarity, the healing process is similar to that of a detoxification. I remind myself to bring attention to the heart, and to open myself to expanded trust, turning away from worrying about the details.
And then the mind takes the helm again to weave strategies and escape routes. Almost like the temptation of a substance I cannot resist.

For my mind, the trusting space of the heart is insane, creating panic and a sense of confusion for it.
But, again, I know well that there is no other possible way .

It is sometimes just a matter of patience during what can be a most painful transition, but one that eventually happens.
In this strange pulse of waking, falling asleep, waking, falling asleep, waking … where I perceive the frequency of my consciousness ever more clearly in its shifting sine wave, there is a great teaching that fills me with joy.

Humility.

Depression consumes my arrogance every day, purifies me by making me kneel before the Great Mystery. The challenge is not to fall into the hole of “I am worthless.” Past that, what remains is a wonderful being, aware that he has nothing to teach except what he himself learns, except the shared frequency of his heart.

Aho :slight_smile:

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Extremely moving, Kyrian, and beautiful.

I have had only a very few bouts, and each time, rebounded, so I can only admire what you are going through.

For some reason, please, this is going to sound so superficial, and over something much lighter, but it helped my mother.

She was of a rare gentleness but suffered terribly from shyness. Which was difficult as she was originally a pianist. Then one day a friend said to her, " Tiane, you think all eyes are on you when you enter a room, but they are not, you are not that important." And funnily enough she dropped shyness that day, in a way that, even if uncomfortable at times, she would immediately remember what he had said and find balance.

Now being shy and being depressed are two entirely different things. But, strangely, this thing said to my mother has helped me in many completely different circumstances. In a way, I think it helped melting with what is.

In the end we are good souls, that is the essential I think.

I love your posts, thank you for joining here, this dark forest…

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Thank you for sharing your story and for your openness.

Not to compare my story to yours but I do resonate with the exhausting cycle of healing childhood pain. And coming to understand that the only way out is through. Vulnerably sharing your struggles, like you have here, helps me to feel a little less alone in my struggles. It’s a gift we can give to each other and I should do it more often than I do. I’m grateful for your example and wish you well.

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"Indeed, it is not superficial; it’s just that the truth is often simple, and the mind doesn’t readily accept simplicity as a solution. In my case, I am naturally shy, but I felt called to serve others (mixed with a selfish desire for the spotlight, of course :wink: ). So I pushed through my shyness and began making videos and guiding groups at live events. I discovered a talent and some magnetism. It was wonderful to break out of my shell, but my ego also grew. Now I see that my return to anxiety was a tool I used to keep my ego in check and start again with a renewed persona. I was hiding my fear behind the mask of a spiritual guide. Now I want to serve in a more collaborative way, with shared leadership, leading from time to time, but not always.

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Yes Melissa, sharing is probably the most powerful tool we have for healing.
I found that a group to share with is often more powerful than one-to-one therapy. We are so beautiful and have so much to give, and at the same time it is so easy to forget and to only see the darkness.
When you see someone doing the same as they share their story, it is so obvious from an external perspective that you really receive a big reminder.

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Looks like you managed to find “the love in the moment”. I’m bipolar, one of the poles being depression. As a hopeless hedonist it is… difficult for me not to forcibly alter that cycle into hypomania chemically.

It’s nice you found your community though. Certain experiences involving some light beings and a corporeal entity in a human body who is very close to my heart awoken in me an ability I’m still figuring out. It certainly isn’t physical healing, something emotional and or spiritual who said corporeal entity claims I’m getting better at. I’d very much like to share it, but I’m unsure how to get anyone I’m not already intimate with to allow me to touch their body while I meditate without the assumption of certain ulterior motives. Trying to explain it just makes me sound insane to those operating under the standard materialist paradigm and I don’t care to associate with most of what passes for religion.

Good on you for getting past the social anxiety, I can certainly empathize with that… unless I’m manic or on something like Valium, but those states interfere with my ability to perform whatever it is that was unlocked.

What is your technique, if you don’t mind me asking besides attaining a high frequency state? I cannot explain mine adequately in words, but I relax, attain a meditative but focused state, I gather energy via visualization going up my spine and try to concentrate it in my heart, try my best to feel unconditional love, I touch the chest over the heart with my right hand, the center of the forehead with my left, I feel energy gathering in my feet and throughout my body, I push this energy through my hands and visualize it gently enveloping the subject (the sole subject thus far being my romantic partner plus the occasional dog or cat). It seems to help negative emotions like fear and provide some shielding against the occasional negative entity which greets her while she’s on psychedelics. The better it works, the more purple and white light she sees with her eyes closed, sober or otherwise. The pets seem calmer, but the language barrier prevents a detailed response on their accounts.

I discovered this via trial and error as my human bodied subject is prone to being a target for certain parts of the creator who are not exactly my favorite parts. A teaching… light for lack of better description told me, borrowing her physical body temporarily for a few seconds that I did not need to try so hard and drain myself, that energy was infinite and to let go and relax more. This improved its effectiveness so I hypothesize it really isn’t “my” ability, but I’m forming some sort of conduit. I wish it worked on physical injuries too, but it’s useful nonetheless.

Like I said, I’d like to see if it could help others… but I feel the touching the bare chest over the heart thing would be misinterpreted, to say the least particularly since I’m male.

In NDEs, many say that it is the aversive experiences, like chronic illness that help them grow the most. Even so… I’m probably going to keep fleeing pain myself. One must grow older, but you can stay immature forever! If you’re ever inclined to flee depression, my screen name contains some humble recommendations. I’ve grown a lot from pain, but only when it manages to catch me running from it!

Good luck to you, depression is a female dog!

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Thank you for sharing a bit of your story, I know this will help others in similar situations.

My favorite “technique”, if you could call it that, is to verbalize.
If I am confused in the midst of emotional pain, I just let the suffering ego (I called it my dark self) talk and whine for a bit.
When I feel that the vibration is a bit higher, I switch gears and begin to make space for the inner master to speak.

It is a gradual process, but because I use talking/explaining/teaching and the fifth chakra a lot for work, when the inner master begins to talk I can fairly quickly begin to channel a wise part of me, that calms down the dark self and brings plenty of insights.

It doesn’t always work, of course, if the emotional pain is too strong to verbalize, I usually just sit in the sun and begin to breathe extremely slowly with a hand on my chest.

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If you search the LLR archives, you’ll find occasional references to feelings of unworthiness held in what they like to cal the indigo ray center. They said Carla had a big dose of this and that it is common in people who find themselves working on that level. Worthiness/Unworthiness is foundational, yet it is also a challenge way up above the foundation. So, there is unworthiness to be alive, for example, and if that is held in the 6th chakra, it is possible that this was a pre-incarnative design to encourage you to more deeply investigate your identity, that is, your true, underlying identity.

The feeling I was getting as I read your OP was of someone kayaking around a forsaken coastal area, and the kayak periodically begins filling up with water, dragging you down a bit, making it hard to get along. While you are good at working above the surface, down below you have some holes. The Underwater Realm (or something similar that makes sense to you in your own terms) is inviting down for a visit and a conversation about work left undone. When you reconcile there, you’ll t\ravel far more gracefully, as your subconscious and your conscious aspects will be working more in collaboration than they are now. Intellect will help you navigate above the water, but not below. For that you’ll need to leave your intellect sitting on the shore for a time and allow your intuitive self to journey into the water to find a deeper, more transparent version of you from which to learn about your truer identity.

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Kyrian, perhaps it is not so much the ego that inflated when you served others. Perhaps it I simply the well being feeling of doing something that you are made for, being of service. Perhaps that ego is much more maintained at a lower level than you think… :wink:

And also I hink you were collaborative from the get go… lol

I would follow what others are saying here… lol

also, what Mirror says about the intellect.
I mean Mirror can appear sometimes nutty but it seems here he is quite in his right mind, :melting_face: we have to give him that, even though he started to float that kayaking thingie…

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Thank you for this image. It really resonates.
My lover, who is at ease visiting the underwater realms, tells me this too.
Even on the physical plane, I have issues going underwater, and I don’t like swimming in the ocean without googles because I can’t see what’s under me :slight_smile:

My sixth chakra is overcharged for sure, and it’s been for a very long time. I have myopia and a constant ringing in both ears.

I was reading this morning in Carla’s “A Channeling Handbook” how the distance between your ego and the frequency that you channel can become an issue if it’s not being taken care of. That is also resonating.
While leading groups, sometimes I opened up to a very pure and powerful frequency, but it was too far away from my “regular one” and I got somewhat lost in the middle.

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Can you elaborate on this FloFrog? English is not my primary language and I don’t understand what you mean exactly

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Speaking of underwater realms, today is a lunar eclipse in Scorpio (on the south node–the area of release) so its an energetically opportunistic time to listen to what the deep waters are telling us…(if that resonates:).

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Do you see how the survival concerns are dissonant with the “upper level” knowing? Do you see what the actual focus of the lesson is?

I know it’s difficult to see these things clearly. It’s easier to see the components and harder to grasp their focus.

There’s a place within you…

PS: Frogs are seldom coherent. One simply has to allow for that. I think it’s because they are incapable of walking in a straight line. Instead they hop here and hop there with little regard for sensible direction. But they are perfect in their own peculiar way.

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Deeply perceptive as usual, dear Mirror, thank you :melting_face:

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Kyrian, this is just my own little feeling… :slight_smile:

I have sometimes observed that persons with a somewhat large or invading ego , are never quite aware of it., while persons who are searching for truth, and in quest of answers and balance, often tend to chastise themselves about their own ego.

So when I read what you write, there is to me a real sense of humility to your journey, not quite concurring with an important ego… lol
just my humble little feeling…

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I have to say, the saga of the frog and the mirror as a recurring theme on this forum is really fun. Genuinely makes me smile :green_heart:

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Melissa. !! how lovely to say so !!! it has a sort of epic scent to it

But, it’s not a saga at all : I am just a very naive and innocent observer of the curious meanderings of the mind of said person… :flushed:

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One thing I would add, @Kyrian, is that as you slowly untie the knots which keep love in abeyance in subtle ways, more energy will fill your heart to the point where it begins to overflow, sending further healing to those tender areas of stuck energy. Just as one can fall into a negative feedback loop of self doubt, etc., one may also discover a positive feedback loop of gushing love which is not well known among we trauma-ridden humans, more so, perhaps, among frogs and angels.

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Naturally so, because I am you–although deeply disguised.

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Yes, I see the dissonance here. I have been observing myself for many years, and I can see more and more clearly what’s going on. The thing is, even if the intellect can see and understand, sometimes I find myself stuck in not finding the energy/motivation to change my behavior. That generates judgment, and the observation of myself switches from neutral to a judgmental one, which is the first step of the downward spiral.

I see that I’ve been fooling myself for a long time, thinking that I could just intellectually see what the issue was and then correct it as if I was changing a cog in a machine. After all, I knew all the spiritual recipes and techniques.

But because my lesson here is to move my focus from the intellect to the heart and develop faith, I can only truly heal when I renounce seeing and understanding with the intellect and allow myself to go through a process that is not mechanical and cannot be controlled with rationality.

I am on the right track. Every day brings a bit more of this understanding and relaxation of the mind.

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