I feel the need to share a bit of my life story because I think many will be able to take something useful from it.
I have been living with depressive crises of varying duration for about 20 years, which, as is the case for many, led me on the path of an intense spiritual search.
I ended up becoming a meditation and emotional healing facilitator myself, with a fair amount of recognition in my country.
But depression never left me, to the point that for the past couple of years I had to stop live meetings and gradually withdraw from the scene due to social anxiety and mental confusion.
Clearly, I found myself experiencing the “imposter syndrome.” How could I have the arrogance to help when myfrequency was so low?
Yet, I continue to receive so many thanks every day for my work, and this helped me realize that all this self-judgment and self-loathing was insane and was degrading my potential.
It is not easy to live with depression. Those who have been through it know this well.
One feels fragile because one never knows when the next crisis will come. One cannot make plans or see ways out, and life can quickly become hell.
For me, because of my work as a spiritual facilitator, there was also a deep sense of shame…
I am still learning to accept the fact that opposite states of consciousness can coexist within us, and that the rigid pursuit of consistency or “high vibrations” can become a tool of self-punishment.
Some days I am totally aligned and can channel a frequency that touches people deeply and helps them feel better. Other days I feel confused, alienated from this world, and can no longer even remember what it felt like to feel connected.
I have learned to give only when I feel able to do so, and to remain still when the frequency is low.
In this past year, I have become aware of how this intensifying painful process is just that evolutionary acceleration that has been talked about for so long.
In my naivety, I thought I had “already given” with the many years of spiritual work, and that the acceleration would be a leap into joy.
Instead, it brought up so much darkness that I was overwhelmed. Sometimes I see my child’s traumas still fresh, and the same dynamics I was putting in place at age 7 still repeating themselves today.
Initially, this confused me so much because I have been working on healing this child for years, with great catharsis and recovering a lot of energy. And yet here we are again.
In a space where everything comes to the surface at great speed, and everything instantly mirrors what needs to be rebalanced. “It’s too much!” I sometimes say to myself. But right away I recognize that it is inevitable, and that there is no other way but through this dark forest.
In my personal case (and who knows if any of you will find yourself in this) the crux of the suffering is to have a powerful mind. I have a brilliant mind that can juggle many different things and create complex strategies.
This mind still deludes itself into thinking it can be in control, engulfs details searching for the perfect solution, and then gets a bellyache.
But as much as I see with increasing clarity, the healing process is similar to that of a detoxification. I remind myself to bring attention to the heart, and to open myself to expanded trust, turning away from worrying about the details.
And then the mind takes the helm again to weave strategies and escape routes. Almost like the temptation of a substance I cannot resist.
For my mind, the trusting space of the heart is insane, creating panic and a sense of confusion for it.
But, again, I know well that there is no other possible way .
It is sometimes just a matter of patience during what can be a most painful transition, but one that eventually happens.
In this strange pulse of waking, falling asleep, waking, falling asleep, waking … where I perceive the frequency of my consciousness ever more clearly in its shifting sine wave, there is a great teaching that fills me with joy.
Depression consumes my arrogance every day, purifies me by making me kneel before the Great Mystery. The challenge is not to fall into the hole of “I am worthless.” Past that, what remains is a wonderful being, aware that he has nothing to teach except what he himself learns, except the shared frequency of his heart.