Recently I have been asking here about catalyst and that sort of thing…and there is a reason for that.
I have cycled into another round of depression recently (I am not new to this) and it is lasting longer than usual. Just when I think I have “broken through” and I have a few lighter hours, I find myself at the bottom again soon.
Just as a note: I am not suicidal. I am MUCH too interested in seeing this life through and experiencing everything that happens through me, to me, and around me. I find it fascinating and intriguing despite the discomfort. And this is quite new to me because I used to feel harmful ways towards myself and hopeless when I would have these cycles. So, I know something has shifted…though I am not sure what because I am still feeling this low frequency.
However, I am being with it. I am allowing it. I am inquiring within about it…and I am not getting any answers. It doesn’t make sense.
I welcome this catalyst in a way that I never have before, wondering how it will be different if instead of fighting it or trying to change it I kind of sink into it.
I realize that RA has stated that this is not the density for understanding, and that’s okay, but I feel lost in this depression. Not to find a way out, but to maybe find some kind of purpose for it. What am I supposed to be learning?
There have been no clues left for me that I can see right now which is frustrating.
I have ZERO interest to do much of anything. All of my hobbies and the things I do for enjoyment feel flat and pointless.
I perceive that this is not “wrong” and that there is nothing to fix. I am not concerned for my mental health or what is going to happen. I know that all is well and all will continue to be well…which is the odd part.
How can I know that all is well and yet feel so “off”??? If I know all is well, wouldn’t I be feeling better, more joy?
Am I causing myself to stay depressed because I am inviting it and allowing it in case it has something to tell me?
Should I be trying to shift my frequency or should I just leave it be and let it naturally sort itself out? Will it sort itself out without my interference?
Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts, I am all ears!