I just wanted to share this interesting change that happened to me that I noticed recently, I want to see if anyone else has it.
So in my life I have been through a lot of suffering.
Especially during covid. I don’t want to share everything because I’m not a charity case and I don’t think anyone else is.
But to give you a reference point of what I’ve been through: from 2020-2022, I was hospitalized 8 times for mental illness
I don’t think this is a competition like “oh I’ve suffered more than you”
I’m just trying to give reference.
I have been in therapy regularly for 3 years now. And I have been healing gradually. What I have noticed since this spring is even though I will be going through the regular everpervasive anxiety, or mild depression, or being tired, beneath all of that their is this quiet joy.
Like yeah, I feel bad, but I’m so used to the suffering that it doesn’t really bother me, I can still enjoy life or at least get through life with out giving up.
Part of me will feel really bad, but I can also feel this joy underneath. The joy only goes away if life feels meaningless, but that is rare, only happens when someone breaks my heart
I have been through so many bad experiences that I know very concretely that the suffering is transient. And I also know that I can withstand the suffering, and that is not actually so bad.
Its really just strong stimuli that my body feels. My mind, through experience, can see the big picture that the body can not see.
Even though I don’t feel okay, I know I am okay. I know that this will pass. I have had similar fears before. My reaction to rejection from whoever is me being dramatic and selfish because whoever is judging me does not hold the final say. I know this deeply even if my transient feelings are different.
If I were to transport these feelings to the me that existed 4 years ago, that person would be miserable and would fall apart.
And yes, when I started to develop illness, I did fall apart.
But now I have matured.
I don’t know do you guys think this has any spiritual ramifications?
I’m still pretty selfish, but I am trying to see the big picture and include others in it
Do you guys think I am closer to polarizing because of this?
It is some type of growth but may not be service towards others type growth
Because the mental illness can make it harder to be nice
However, A kind action on my part has so much more meaning to me now than it used to
4 years ago it was like I was spiritually asleep, everything meant less because everything was stable there was no major suffering
But yeah does anyone else have this feeling underneath their everyday feelings?