What you’ve already done is impressive. I understand a shade of this sort of suffering, some aspects, but less. Still that made me bitter, fairly negative and often suicidal besides having extreme luck in terms of various entities, corporeal and otherwise, showing me extreme compassion, forgiveness, love.
You seem to have a heavy incarnative burden. I’m not sure why you signed up for such a difficult course load. Or if you’re a wanderer like my wife, well, this planet just makes those sorts suffer a lot.
Here’s what I think though… you live like this and I do not detect hate and you even want to do volunteer work. Forget about this incarnation, I think you have a very positive and beautiful spirit.
Post acute withdrawal from many of those drugs you listed can last longer than six months. Important to taper the benzodiazepine according to the Ashton manual. A supplement, dihydromyricetin can help these memory issues and the benzo issue.
The shortcut to meeting the sorts of entities who send light and love is psychedelics, but maybe not a good idea right now. Maybe in a year or two.
Others will be better at explaining meditation than me, but just sincerely ask the whole you are a small part of for help. Repeatedly, treat them as friends and just unload your worries, troubles, wishes, hopes. You might begin to feel warmth and a pure love euphoria in your chest.
Help really is there.
One thing though, I won’t make a big deal about the virgin thing, most need/like sex, but ultimately it’s about love, lust is just a hobby. If you could just get comfortable with being touched by whichever gender… I think you could really use a hug. Sex is nice, but I think being deprived of simple touch is far more damaging.
The opposite of addiction is not abstinence, the opposite of addiction is connection.
Reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl might be useful.
Research neurogenesis and do all that which promotes it.
But forgive and be gentle with yourself.
I don’t always respond right away… but if you want a weird internet friend…. You’re welcome to pm me…
Light be with you, may the suffering of those on this planet please be alleviated soon…