I am deeply grateful for your reply. Your words were so patient and sincere, filling me with joy!
I am reading carefully, trying to understand your meaning, but perhaps due to language differences (I used a translator to translate English, so there may be misunderstandings or errors in expression, I apologize!), I may have misinterpreted some of your words, resulting in some irrelevant responses. Regardless, I thoroughly enjoy and cherish this opportunity to communicate with you.
I completely agree with your words; you truly expressed my feelings. Especially this sentence—“Fear can feel more immediately potent, while love takes time to warm up.”
I’ve decided to share my story.
I began to learn about this subject after witnessing some human tragedies. Although I’ve always been a pessimistic person, when I saw those horrific scenes, I truly couldn’t believe that humans were capable of such things. I wept uncontrollably, frantically continuing to read similar stories, and somehow, the more I read, the more I read. I locked myself in my room, engrossed in reading for several days and nights. I saw conspiracy theories, alien exploration, and finally, the Law of One—as an atheist, somehow, I wholeheartedly believed it, all in just a few nights.
I was immersed in sorrow for all sorts of human tragedy. Driven by this emotion, after reading a few chapters of the Law of One, I immediately tried meditation and successfully generated a vibration in my chest. At that time, I guessed I had entered the first stage.
After entering this stage, I always believed I was full of love. I persisted in meditation, or rather, contemplation, calling out every night for the earth to be filled with more love and light, more towards positive polarization. Every night I felt the vibration in my body, and a mysterious, indescribable feeling. I felt I had successfully influenced my family to become better, responding to their negativity with love, and watching them gradually become filled with positive emotions. During that time, my heart was filled with only enthusiasm, a blind sense of responsibility and urgency. I feared there wouldn’t be enough time, I feared the negative prophecies would soon come true, so I almost abandoned all my daily life and devoted myself entirely to meditation. The week after I began, I was in a meditative state all day, except when I slept.
I meditated while reading the Law of One, learning and practicing simultaneously, just like I did in school. Whenever I read a new chapter or learned something new, I would try it out. I must say that was foolish—mysticism is dangerous, at least not as reckless as I was.
In my country, information about the Law of One is scarce, and few people believe in God, let alone engage in group activities. So I got used to working alone, which was frankly irrational, because I was so reckless and impatient. At the time, the only information I had was translated books; I was completely unaware of this website, and I didn’t think about finding other materials. I just thought—before the “end of the world” they wanted happened, I should finish learning what’s in this book and do something as much as possible. It’s laughable now, but I was so naive back then. I even thought that if it really happened, I’d learn magic to heal people on the battlefield (actually, I tried healing myself; I think I saw a green light? I don’t know if it actually worked). As I mentioned before, I was learning as I read, and when I read about invocation, I even tried invoking Ra. Later, when I learned about magical personalities, I also invoked my Higher Self… Honestly, it was really stupid! I didn’t even know that you should ask the recipient if they are of a positive polarity before invoking, yet I did just that.
But that’s not the stupidest thing I did.
“If an entity is out of harmony with its environment, it feels an inner burning fire. The temperature of the physical vessel has not yet risen; only the heat of temper or tears [as we would describe this disharmony]. However, if an entity experiences this emotional heat and disharmony for a long period in your space/time, then the entire bodily complex will begin to resonate with this disharmony, which will then manifest as cancer or other progressively worsening abnormalities, deviating from what you call health.” (60.20)
To be honest, I’ve been in this state since February, experiencing alternating hot and cold sensations. One day before, without meditation, I suddenly had a very, very abnormal sensation near my urethra, which lasted for three days and three nights, during which I couldn’t sleep. In February, the stabbing pain at the top of my left brain became increasingly pronounced, and I had abnormal tinnitus in my left ear, which I still experience every day. I can’t pray or meditate, and when I try to sleep, I hear a “beeping” sound and a very bright light, like being electrocuted. Of course, I can’t feel it now, but I still can’t sleep deeply, and I wake up drenched in sweat every time. So I suspected I had attracted negative polarity because I hadn’t questioned it.
I immediately and frantically prayed to my Higher Self—a far more foolish thing I did! The negative entity was likely present at the time, and I didn’t ask it to leave immediately afterward. I was just grasping at straws, and I made things worse.
Before my heart stopped, I felt a stinging electric shock to my green center in a dream. Later, I dreamt they were shocking my other centers. This terrified me even more… those dreams were so real, so real they felt real. I really had out-of-body experiences, and they surrounded me, giving me nightmares that made me unable to move—several times, very, very real, I mean so real my body could feel it, and I couldn’t forget them for a long time after waking up. Even in the last few months, every time I wake up, I struggle to return to my body. Twice I felt inexplicably immense sadness, wanting to give up, as if something terrible had happened, as if I had lost something very important.
After “dying” during my prayer (I still don’t know what happened, or if I really died), I was immediately overwhelmed by intense fear. I researched, and the more I read, the more terrified I became, because there were so many horrifying possibilities—the strangest being that I didn’t die immediately after my heart stopped; instead, I “discovered,” or rather, “felt,” that I might be dead. Later, when I lay down and closed my eyes, I suddenly entered a white light. I heard music, and many birds were chirping around me. I had a premonition that I was going to die, but I couldn’t enter that state. I remained frozen for a long time before finally falling asleep, only to wake up and find myself still alive.
Then I made all sorts of guesses and tried various methods. Could there be negative external entities within me? So I tried to expel them, but my left temple started to ache terribly. I felt energy constantly draining from there, and I was surprised it hadn’t stopped yet. My spirit was being pulled to the left by a tremendous force, and even though my face was contorted and I was constantly meditating, I couldn’t stop it.
Could it be that my energy center is reversed? Then, as I was thinking this, a bird actually flew over. I listened to its call, and it seemed to be saying, “Turn left to right.” Could it be my spirit guide? So I tried to rotate my energy center, and briefly I heard positive and negative music—two different sounds. But before I could enter them, they “turned” away.
Later, I tried again and again. The birds’ voices became clearer and clearer, more and more like human speech. They could speak in any voice, following me wherever I went. But as soon as I got close, or tried to tell them about their negative aspects, their voices would be “blocked.” The negative polarities were the same; several times they used my family members’ bodies to make strange noises.
But strangely, I had always firmly believed they were spirit guides, and that they knew my situation, that they were there to help me return… but all of this was clearly wrong. I mean, my energy center wasn’t reversed, and infinite intelligence shouldn’t have a left or right distinction—those sounds I thought belonged to the “positive” side led me to the “left,” but that was clearly just one of my guesses, and it should be wrong. (Because the Q’uo group says there’s an intersection at the gate to Infinite Intelligence, and I keep being unable to “enter” the white light, even getting further and further away until I can’t see or hear the music at all, I have a guess that the left and right sides of Infinite Intelligence represent positive and negative polarities respectively…) I know this is absurd, and what’s even stranger is that [it actually came true]! When I thought, “I fly into the left side of Infinite Intelligence,” I did indeed quickly approach the white light through a membrane and hear the music—although afterwards I was pulled back by a tremendous force and could no longer use my energy center.
Is it just because I guessed that they said this? It’s as if I “created” them, as if they only exist because I felt I should have a guiding spirit. This is really strange, almost like a dream, only a nightmare. The bad things I guess will basically come true, but the good things won’t. Where am I? Am I dead? If I’m in the process of my own death, why am I seeing things I don’t want? Where is my Higher Self? Is He alright? I really don’t know…
But at least I should be firm and stop trusting those voices. As I mentioned before, my meditations are all through contemplation. I love contemplation; I can think all day long, which also leads to a lot of inner noise. Those sounds are perhaps just my inner noise, and I’ve decided to stop energizing them.
Thank you so much for reading my long story! In this period of inner struggle, I’ve forgotten the joy I previously felt in love and light, as if I’ve returned to where I was before I started. Although I’m still confused, your presence has helped me rediscover a long-lost feeling of love. Thank you.
