Thank you for your answers.
I would really like to see it… I have no idea what I really look like if it’s even possible to “see” this unique part of infinity. But there is a reason for this, and I will write about it at the down.
No one can tell you what you lack, or what you need. Only you know this, and the catalysts in your life will give you many opportunities to discover your answer.
I also came to this logical conclusion because, since I am unique in the context of a piece of infinity, my vision of the world and my thinking are still unique in some part. This applies absolutely to all people and all living beings. And since everything around us is alive, I find this uniqueness simply beautiful and aesthetically astounding.
A candle I can light for you is… Do you know love? Can you describe it? do you feel it without thought? Where does it take you?
I decided to answer here why I don’t know what I “really” look like.
I subconsciously avoided meditation in every possible way, and it seems that I have some kind of subconscious fear of it. Maybe I’m afraid to see something inside of me. But still, somewhere inside, I understand that I need to meditate to find out the answers to my questions, because I understand the “specifics” of my questions, i.e., only I can answer the question of why I exist, as well as the question of why I chose this particular eye color, and so on.
I also find it very interesting that my dreams have never been in any way related to my spiritual seeking. I mean, I see dreams about absolutely meaningless nonsense, everyday routine, and absolutely nothing mystical, paranormal, and so on. This makes me sad, but at the same time, I began to suspect that there is some kind of barrier inside me that prevents me from diving deeper into myself, and I am forced to float on the surface of my everyday, routine dreams.
The only thing I find interesting is that in my dreams it’s always dark, it’s dark outside, the streetlights aren’t on, and often in my dreams I would try to switch on the electricity in the house but it wouldn’t work, the flashlights wouldn’t work either, and there was a darkness all around that frightened and depressed me.
As for love, it’s a difficult feeling for me. I feel unnecessary and superfluous most of my life, the care of my family helps me, but this feeling of inner loneliness sits deep in me. I am very often visited by anxiety and a feeling of hopelessness, but I have learned to more or less “turn off” thoughts, turn on music, and be distracted in extreme cases. Maybe I’m afraid to meditate because I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts. But all these fears are too weak in front of my desire to find out why I exist.
Have you ever experienced “time dilation?”
Yes, it happened to me a couple of times, but for me, it wasn’t something paranormal or weird. I kept my sanity and calm.
Who are you? Do you know?
One day, I tried to think seriously about this question. I tried to meditate seriously for the first time, and a strange image appeared in my mind.
I saw a very, very ancient tree. I can’t even describe it in words, I just felt something incredibly ancient and wise, and I had an image of this very, very thick old tree rooted somewhere in the soil for a few seconds, but it was an intense feeling. I experienced a sense of strange, very, very serene calm.