The beginning of my story starts in some timeless aspect of our creation, just chilling as completely undifferentiated infinity. Then something happened…I dunno, it’s hard to put into words, so I’ll fast forward a bit.
The story of this particular incarnation began in the desert, outside of a small town in New Mexico. In retrospect, it was a unique environment in which to spend my childhood years. I was raised with very little spiritual influence. Religion was not something talked about much at school or among peers, and my parents did not practice religion at all. However, my mom did get into some New Age/Native American Warrior and Medicine stuff when I was very young, and led a pretty spiritual life. She did not push her beliefs on to my brother and me, and encouraged us to explore and believe whatever we wanted. I’m very grateful to my parents for that kind of open, accepting environment.
But my mom would talk a lot about her beliefs and experiences, simply to share. Being young, I didn’t understand much of what she said, but there was one particular thing she said that stuck: when I was around 6 or 7 years old, she mentioned people “channeling beings from other places, like Ra, Michael, and Seth.” Even at the young age, this concept captivated me. Being so young, I struggled to ask the right questions, and had no real context for understanding what she was talking about, but nevertheless, it stuck. Specifically the part about Ra. From that point on, as I grew up into adulthood, I wondered what she was talking about. “Channeling” and “Ra” was stuck in my mind. Every so often, throughout my entire life, I would try to look up what she was talking about without having any real clue or context. Any searches for Ra in encyclopedias or online only rendered information about an Egyptian deity, never leading to answers. I didn’t relate this her spirituality in any real sense…but this part never left my mind.
Rough catalyst eventually separated my mom from her spirituality and relocated us to an urban area of North Carolina when I was around 12 years old. This was a pretty big culture shock for me. It was a stark contrast to a small desert community, and I lacked any real religious understanding or experience. I learned very quickly that the fact I did not attend church made me an outcast among the children of my school in the Bible Belt. I was bullied and ridiculed for being both socially awkward and without Christian beliefs. This caused a lot of pain, and I began to resent the Christians who belittled me every day. In this critical developmental time in my life, I began to build a framework of belief based around a reaction to this pain. I established myself as a staunch atheist, even anti-theist. I resented religion and spirituality in most every form. I held tight to the belief that any sort of spiritual or religious belief was trickery and exploitation of human insecurity, and that it created narrow-minded lemmings who were coerced into being controlled by a fear of death. I considered myself a skeptic, though it was probably more true that I was a “debunker,” or just cynical.
Growing up out of my socially awkward phase and pulling myself out of the depression caused by the bullying, through the end of my high school years and sometime after, I became a pretty happy person. I found meaning in life, marveled and the beauty of nature, and developed a relationship with my heart, attempting to be a compassionate person. These things did not register as “spiritual” to me. I was comfortable with the idea of temporary life resulting from random inexplicable chaos with no real meaning, just existence that one day will eventually end, forever. I am very grateful for the fact that I went through this phase in my life, as becoming comfortable with that notion of oblivion is a very powerful spiritual freedom.
In my early 20s, I was living a relatively carefree life. I had an easy job that paid the bills, lived with my best of friends, had no school, no real responsibilities, no obligations…just a lot of free time and fun to be had and a lack of real direction. That gave me a lot of time to think. Having no real spiritual or philosophical experience or basis, thinking never got me far. Until I started star-gazing.
I would lay on the hood of my car and just stare into infinity for hours, days, weeks, months, years. The longer I did this, the more I sensed that there was a reciprocal depth inside of me equal to that infinity which I gazed upon. I felt it penetrate deep inside of me. Eventually, this cultivated a concept to grasp which could propel me into actual significant thought: infinity.
As I danced with the idea of infinity, I touched on concepts that once seemed insignificant and now seemed incredibly significant. Awareness, consciousness, the experience and recognition of beauty, the idea that the universe unfolded in a way that resulted in parts of itself becoming aware of itself. These concepts started to move me in a way I had never experienced, yet still I did not relate any of this to spirituality. Spirituality was still just trickery to me, and I avoided spiritual information loyally.
In true synchronicity, just as my mind was constantly swimming with these ideas nearly all day every day, a person came into my life (through work) who chose to openly discuss these very concepts around me. I would listen to him talk about these ideas without joining the conversation, just listening. A lot of what he talked about seemed bogus, but I could tell he was aware of that.
Then one day he said something that grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. It was a reference to a Bill Hicks quote, and went something like, “Do you ever think that the universe is a conscious being, experiencing itself through us subjectively?” This kept me up all night. The next time I saw him, I asked him about it, and we stumbled through these cursory philosophical ideas for a while without gaining any real ground.
The was a significant breaking point for me when he came over to my house one day excited about a news story he just saw about UFOs. I didn’t really care about UFOs. My skeptical attitude made me assume that they were generally hoaxes, or people exaggerating regular aircraft sightings. I was at a point where it would take a NASA astronaut to convince me that there was an inkling of legitimacy behind the UFO phenomenon. That is exactly what he showed me. Edgar Mitchell, Apollo 14 astronaut who walked on the moon, was speaking about the legitimacy of the UFO phenomenon as if it were just completely normal. In my mind, I assumed that if astronauts were out there talking about UFOs, I should have at least heard about it. I was pretty shocked.
My jaw continued to drop as we stumbled upon video after video of military personnel, government officials, politicians, astronauts and pilots all discussing personal experiences with UFOs, some of them in unbelievable detail. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt the connection between our philosophical discussions and UFOs, even though most of what we were watching was just dry reports of experiences. I could not remember a particular event shattering my reality like this. I grappled with understanding how this information was affecting my reality.
Not long after that, he came over again to show me another crazy Youtube video. It was a David Wilcock video discussing all sorts of esoteric ideas that seemed to be connecting science and spirituality, but the one piece of information that flew out and smacked me in the face was his mention of the Ra material and the Law of One.
A gong sounded in my head. There it was. Whatever this was…”Ra,” this obscure, intangible, unrelatable concept which never left my mind and haunted me my entire life. My intuition was practically shouting at me. I knew that I had to go home and ask my mom about it.
So I did just that, and we went into their storage room full of boxes, pulled down a box full of books among 30 other boxes full of books, opened it up, and sitting right there on top in the first box we looked in were the first four books of the Ra material. I felt a fire burning inside of me, some vague recognition that I was on a precipice, yet these books seemed so alien to me.
I read the back of Book 1 and scoffed, I flipped through the introduction, looking at all of the pictures, and almost put the books away for good. Was very weirded out, thinking this was some weird cultish New Age crap. But I listened to the fire inside of me and that night I started reading. I was captivated by the words. I felt such a strong resonance that it was almost uncomfortable. There was some obvious power behind what I was reading. I got about halfway through Book 1 that night before I closed it, put it down, and thought, “I am being tricked. This is no different from any other spiritual information, just playing on insecurities and hopes of mindless drones. I mean, come on…Infinite Creator? Love and light? BS.”
Despite my best attempts, I couldn’t dismiss it. I could not get this material out of my mind. Everything I had experienced up to that point, from staring at stars, to dipping my toes into philosophy, to learning about UFOs—I knew it was all connected, despite my attempts to deny it.
So I decided I was going to be a responsible skeptic. I would not simply dismiss this based on my previous bias. If I was going to judge the quality and reliability of this material, I was going to have to dedicate myself to learning about it, I was going to have to grasp where it came from, and I was going to have to completely explore the method of its inception. To satisfy my skeptical side, I was going to have to immerse myself completely, including learning how to channel.
This point was what most people would probably call my “awakening.” I read the rest of the Ra material and set out on a journey to absorb and understand every bit of channeled information I could find. I established a dedicated meditation routine, using Ra’s guidance to understand balancing, processing my catalyst, and cultivating an inner silence. I explored other New Age concepts, read a few books about meditation, spiritual philosophy, Buddhism, etc., but a huge part of my time was spent researching channeling and channeled material. My ultimate goal was to learn how to channel, but before I was going to take even the first step I wanted to have a solid basis for understanding what channeling was.
Through this process I was introduced to a massive amount of spiritual information, with a large variety of quality. It took time to build and hone my faculty of discernment. I experienced a rapid transformation in my worldview. I dropped a lot of difficult personality traits, my mental health improved, and I became more conscious about how I related to other people and the world. At a certain point I released my old inhibitions around spirituality and just accepted that I could consider myself spiritual, though the inner skeptic held on tightly. It was pretty chaotic and turbulent, as I think most spiritual awakenings are. I experienced a variety of paranormal phenomena and teetered between grounded and ungrounded.
Throughout this journey, I did succeed in an experiment in channeling with a couple of friends. It was a short-lived experiment, as we were careless and irresponsible, but it was enough to confirm for me the validity of channeling as a method of gathering information from external sources.
The dust of the initial awakening began to settle and I honed in on a more slow, steady, contemplative spiritual exploration that continues to this day. I’ve integrated other spiritual tools and philosophies into my worldview that have become an essential part of my life. Highlights include the work of Carl Jung, the work of Ken Wilber, Integral Theory and Practice, mindfulness, Buddhist thought, and more.
At a certain point, I joined the Bring4th forum and got to know the L/L Research community, along with Gary, Carla, and Jim. In 2013 they invited me to work alongside Gary in the L/L office as administrative assistant. The journey from that point has been a steady path of shared seeking as a group, with all of the various highs and lows, joys and challenges that come with being associated with such a spiritual endeavor. The gift of catalyst becomes ever more intricate, and the opportunity to continuously seek for love and wisdom within the circumstances of life grows in its potential. Channeling as an instrument in channeling circles has become a treasured experience for me, and each time we get the opportunity, I am imbued with the blessing of light.
Through it all, the Law of One remains my spiritual backbone. I find more and more value in other various philosophies, systems of thought, and practices, but all of it is built upon the foundation laid by the Law of One. I will always be eternally grateful for the intrepid seekers who blazed the trail that allowed for such a powerful work to be made available on this planet of chaos (fun catalyst). It continues to bless me every day.
Thanks for reading.