Less of an awakening story, more of an introduction

Hello! I’m new around these parts, but I guess we all are technically… But I wasn’t an active member of the last forum, either. I’m a big fan of the Ra material, but again I guess we all are, aren’t we? I’d like to think I have a pretty good conceptual understanding of that material, even if I (still) haven’t really been able to actively embody the heart of what it means to be Service to Others. I guess I’m still figuring out what that truly means I should do with myself. Whatever I want, right? Whatever that is.

I’m mostly trying to put this out there in order to experience/join a more purely positively oriented place of discussion. I used to be an active member of the Law of One subreddit but I disagree with a lot of what they say and do over there to the point where its just not conductive of a good experience for me or for them either.

I don’t really have an “awakening” story because I don’t really feel awakened I guess. Conceptually I feel as if I know a lot of things. I know a lot of different trains of thought on a lot of different subjects. I feel like I have a pretty good moral compass. I feel like I have a pretty accurate view of the important historical points. I have my own personal beliefs about the world at large, but when I get to the… the “beyond”, the esoteric, the philosophy… I just don’t know. How can I ever know? To be honest I’m not sure if the Law of One is right. Out of anything else I’ve ever read it’s personally helped me the most, but I don’t really feel connected to others. Other people specifically. I look around Gods wonderful creation and can see the connection, wonder and beauty in nature. I see how animals, trees, birds, the sunlight and the rain are all connected. My sight of the connection stops when I see people. Civilization seems so out of place. Talk about “deeper” concepts like philosophy, science, politics, etc etc etc. all seems out of place when compared to the simplicity and beauty of creation.

I took a vacation this weekend. I stayed at a farm house out in the country, but was really in that area to visit a tourist trap. Out in the country I felt at one with the world. I could see a glimpse at “mans” true place. A much simpler existence farming and being at one with nature. But I also felt like it was not my place. I don’t have the knowledge, experience, the upbringing to truly belong in that world. My place is navigating this modern hellscape. I’m not entirely sure exactly what that even means, but it feels right.

Well I’ve already written more than I thought I would. I guess I’m interested in learning more about “magic”, about balancing, that sort of thing… But I feel as If I don’t know where to start, what to do, even though I have the Law of One as a guide in front of me. When I meditate I just fall asleep. When I’ve performed the Banishing Ritual of the Lesser Pentagram I didn’t really feel anything, didn’t really have any better meditation sessions. I think that because I don’t truly believe in the oneness of all, don’t truly “believe/know/understand” the magic doesn’t work. I don’t know how I’ll ever get past that. Do I require too much “proof”? Sometimes I wonder if I would experience a(nother) supernatural experience… then would I finally believe? Then could I get the magic to work? Or would I just have a heart attack? I’ve sort of asked for something like that but never gotten anything loud and clear in that department.

Ahhh and I feel as if I’m rambling on now. So I’ll just say thank you for reading, have a good day.

In a few words you have summed a true beauty of this distortion.
I remember being lost and confused about my own directions, and the thoughts running rampant… I was interrupted with “that you are exactly where you are meant to be, because if you weren’t meant to be there, you wouldn’t.” (just an answer I got one day…)

Either way, you cannot get it wrong friend…

[quote=“MotivatedCheese, post:1, topic:154”]

I moved into the country ten years ago from a city/suburban life, no rural experience, I quit a job in I.T. I now try to run a small farm, lots of nature around, I still don’t “get it right”, but the wonderful thing is, I don’t think I ever will. The journey is not something that can be complete.
99% of the knowledge to live a rural life is built in, you’ve just never been tested on it…

Blessings and thanks to you, I hope you find what you seek.