The experience of suicidal ideation

I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts/ideations since I was about 17-18 years old. I am 25 years old now.

As time has gone on, my bouts of suicidal ideation/thoughts have become more meaningful to me.

During my last episode, which lasted about 4 months. I was mostly hiding from my psyche and wallowing.

Now, however, I can sense something beautiful within this experience. Yes, I’m still wallowing a little bit, but that doesn’t seem to be holding me back too much.

It almost seems like I’m harnessing the emotions of the experience, and throwing them back out into outer space. A cry of help if you will. Or Using them as a sort of beacon perhaps…… which now that I think of it, could have negative consequences as well as positive.

In the last few days, I’ve sort of “decided” that I’m going to kill myself. I don’t know when, but I’ve resolved to do it…. At some point. I can feel the bluff in there, though. Like im telling my conscious self that im going to do it just to stir something in me. I don’t know.

so whenever a thought or feeling comes that I have a negative reaction to, I just tell myself, don’t worry, you’re gonna kill your self remember? Then I feel much better.

Perhaps im a special kinda crazy. It would make sense

What’s your experience been with this particular topic? I’d love to hear from y’all



To begin with, thank you for sharing… I know talking about these kinds of thoughts and feelings is not easy for most, so I respect the bravery it takes to come forward to address these kinds of issues. :mending_heart:

This is a topic, sadly, that I have had far too much experience with. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, but it used to be a repeating pattern for me up until my mid 30s, starting when I was 13 years old.

My whole “awakening” story is here if you were interested in reading more about my experiences.

Love, Light & the Death of Reason - My Spiritual Awakening So Far

I am an empath that feels things very deeply. Amongst being a social outcast because of my overly loving nature, it was also very difficult for many years to separate my own feelings from the feelings of those around me. And this world is full of pain and suffering. My early 20s were the hardest time of my life. I felt so hopeless all the time that I had a hard time even leaving the house to buy groceries. I built myself a safe little bubble to stay in and it only made things worse. Whenever anything was hard, there was always this judgmental voice mocking me going “Well, life isn’t working out how I expected, I might as well kill myself.” It was honestly very frustrating that as soon as I began to default to feeling that, it popped up every single time anything difficult or emotionally volatile happened in my life.

I can tell you that I’ve almost died from an overdose many, many times. The worst of them all left me in the hospital overnight with little memory of what happened and an uncaring mental health professional telling me that they didn’t need to hear my life story when asked what led to my overdose. There is surprisingly little sympathy for those who are suffering from mental illness, especially in very larger urban centers.

Years past and this happened again… and again… and again. I’ve had people watching me sleep all night long so I didn’t die because I’d taken so many prescription pills with alcohol that my breathing was shallow and they were concerned I might stop breathing in my sleep.

When I woke up from this experience on Halloween many years ago, my roommate at the time responded by telling me if I did it again, he’d throw me out on the street.

Then… there was the suicides that happened within my own family. My aunt and my mom’s cousin both committed suicide. I had to see for years the impact it had on my cousin’s and yet…. I still couldn’t shake myself out of it for years.

I always thought things were too hard in the past, so I would default to this kind of thinking whenever things would appear to be bad instead of trying to cheer myself up or make things better.

I had a lot of shadows to heal.

I can tell you that all this kind of thinking does is hurts your heart. It makes you think you aren’t worthy of love or a beautiful life. Even after years of healing and shadow work, I still feel like my worth is based on what I can do for others. These feelings are very difficult to shake, but I can tell you from personal experience, ridding yourself of that “suicide ideation” is the best thing one could do for their own healing.

We are infinite in nature in finite form. We need to offer ourselves love as much as we should offer love to all beings in the creation. We have all the time in the world to figure it out, there is no rush. You just need to find what brings you balance. For me, getting better for myself was never enough motivation to inspire me. But doing it for someone I love was always the easiest thing in the world. I found my motivation. :green_heart: And the thought of hurting anyone I loved by leaving them behind here to do this alone was not something I wanted to experience, no matter how sad I felt on the hardest of days.

You need to find your motivation, your balance, what you love. It will be different for everyone. But I know that once I cleared the shadows away, what was left behind was far more beautiful then I ever could have expected. And to think that I almost missed out on what my life has become because I wanted to check out early just breaks my heart to think about.

In closing, please know that there is great love to have and life to experience and you’ll never know what is waiting for you if you don’t give it a chance.

This song saved my life more than once before so I thought I’d close with this:

I wish you all the love & light I can on your journey forward and know that life is so beautiful, you just need to remember how to see it again. :green_heart: :sun_with_face:


Thank you very much for sharing Froggie. It means a lot to me. I can relate to a lot of what you said especially the whole “any time things get hard, there’s a mocking voice saying ‘well you might as well kill yourself’”. That’s exactly what it’s like for me.

I look at myself as being very “far gone” right now. Almost like I am possessed, in need of an exorcism (maybe needed but not in the way i might think). I know that just another belief though, and a limiting one at that. But is there any truth to it I wonder?

I’m just rambling now. Thanks again and I’m happy to hear you’ve not experienced such thoughts/ideations in a while. Reminds me that it is possible. :heart:

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I tried strangling myself in the womb with my umbilical cord. No joke, though that may have been accidental.

I’ll just say this can be a rough planet for the empathetic. And what most strongly prevents depression? Connection. But difficult with a physical brain full of anxieties, unreliability due to bipolar and lack of a 24 hour circadian rhythm, and a touch of autism besides.

I’ll just say that you’re truly never alone or unloved. I tried with drugs a number of times, but despite my honest distaste for 3D suffering and human civilizational annoyances, I’m glad I’m still on this planet in this annoying, defecting chemical vehicle.

My mate or wife has turned out to be something very special indeed… and life has become quite magical. You can look into my more recent, emphasis on recent, posts if you want to know more.

Still, you have your free will. If I knew all that was left in an incarnation was misery for sure, I’d take my exit and I plan to at such a juncture. But be sure…

Just know there is a point and we are all loved, even if we lack any currency human physical connection, more than our brains can comprehend.

Light be with you friend

When the challenging catalyst we selected before birth lead us to contemplate suicide, we risk denying our divine heritage and rejecting the gift of our creator, which is meant to draw us closer to the oneness of all that is. Each of us has a unique gift to offer the world, which is just one of the many blessings bestowed upon us by God. If we take our own life, we abandon our duty of service to others and fail to fulfill our full potential as a child of the Creator.

As a responsible member of this human family, I recognize the importance of preserving my own life and the lives of others, and I pledge to fulfill my duty of service to the best of my ability.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.


Always remembering that this too shall pass…

By Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
That where there is hatred—I may bring love,
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness,
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony,
That where there is error, I may bring truth,
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith. That where there is
despair, I may bring hope,
That where there are shadows—I may bring THY light.


Hey, sillyharold. It seems like you’re facing a big choice. Confederation sources do make some comments about suicide which you might take into account:

However, the death, if natural, would undoubtedly be the more harmonious…the death by suicide causing the necessity for much healing work and, shall we say, the making of a dedication to the third density for the renewed opportunity of learning the lessons set by the higher self. (69.6)

The nature of the events following the premature ending of a life by conscious act or suicide are various, depending upon the state of mind and basic vibration of the entity. However, there are some common problems with this action. That is, the removal of the entity from the life experience it was unable to finish then causes this same entity to at some point re-travel the same path in another attempt to finish the life experience begun but not ended. However, because of the trauma of the physical death it is more difficult to solve the life experience upon the rerun, shall we say. This is perhaps the most salient, common experience associated with this action. (1981-0329)

In some cases, and as entities become more inclined to spiritual work this becomes more true, the guilt is vestigial and unhelpful, for nothing can be done to ameliorate the situation about which the guilt is felt. A good example of this is the feelings of family in the event of suicide. Even those who are not related to the family member but were friends will consider to themselves immediately upon hearing of the demise of such an entity in suicide all of the things that could have been done had the person realized in what bad shape the entity was. (1999-0103)

You are an infinite being connected to all other beings, and death is just a doorway to your next incarnation. All energy will eventually balance, so leaving life in an unbalanced manner such as suicide will postpone the necessary work to a later moment.

The fact you say you “feel a bluff in there” tells me that your Higher Self is trying to make itself known. Perhaps this present incarnation follows an incarnation where you committed suicide, and you are still processing the effects of that experience in this life. Perhaps your Higher Self is offering you hesitation to commit suicide because it believes accepting yourself here and now is vitally important. Ultimately, you must discover those answers for yourself.

Know that you are loved, my friend. The whole of creation loves you. You will be loved no matter what path you choose.


Many suicidal thoughts are not our own. They come from the collective. Also the cabal broadcasts negative depressive thoughts that are also suicidal through their negative technology.

I get them too, even though my life is doing well.

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This video may be helpful:

Hi everybody, new here!
please, someone explain to me this by ra in the law of one, on suicide: what do they mean by:
‘… the death by suicide causing the necessity for much healing work and, shall we say, [the making of a dedication to the third density for the renewed opportunity of learning the lessons set by the higher self.]’ ?
thank you whoever answers me, i just don’t understand [this] just above…
lm, 39, born in mexico :mexico: city

I always thought of it as if you commit suicide, you have to repeat third density. Not sure if it’s the cycle or one liftetime. I am not sure if there are exceptions like if you’re suffering with pain.

thank you AnthroHeart, please does anyone else know more about what i am asking¿, thanks in advance!

My understanding is that we come here to learn to love. We must first love ourselves, then love our life circumstances and then progress to love others.

If the reason for suicide is to escape any of that, then the person will need to come back and try again while living in the same kind of circumstances and events.

But this is just a generalization and, in my opinion, we cannot judge the reason for suicide. All circumstances are unique.

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@luismarco, I expect that a great many of us will need healing work when we leave this planet and return to a gentler place. If one’s life was twisted in turmoil and was agonizing, then the need for healing would be more intense. But it’s not “the end of the world.” So, one heals and one learns from the experience and one plans a new lifetime to take up the lessons where one left off. We’re all traveling a similar road. Each takes different detours and sidetracks, but all continue along in their own way, not only learning, but also teaching.

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thank you all hyperguys !

My dear I have been there. Perhaps that makes me poorly equipped to give advice, but my heart cries out for you. I’m not sure what you’ve had to endure in this life, but I know it isn’t easy. You (of course) are free to start again, but there was most certainly a reason you chose to come here. I’m 25 also and am just slowly realizing what I’m here to be doing. I completely collapsed in self harm and depression for years and am managing to escape it with love. Likely due to my own trauma in this life had forgotten how to include myself in the love. Believe me you are worth it. Sometimes all we need is the first step and enough faith to trust the process. I still feel lost and useless at times. Even Carla wished to leave this planet when she felt she could not be of service. Imagine if she had left the planet then before she even had the opportunity and guidance to use her abilities! We are all born with gifts that can be used for great service to others. You have much value. I wish I had more to say, but I will continue to send you love. For me a lot of those feelings led to further seeking and learning the process of healing. These feelings can be used as catalyst if you allow it. Many healers must first heal themselves to learn how to heal others. <3



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Thank you for sharing this :sparkles:

I do not have suicidal thoughts, but when I feel very anxious I tell myself: “just hang on, this life will end in a few years, just be patient”.
Even though I will still probably live another 40–50 years, that thought still soothes me.

I have been suffering from depression for many years, and I did have suicidal thoughts in the beginning. But I also have had many metaphysical experiences, and from those, I know that killing my physical body would just make things worse.
I just know that the relief would be very brief and not a long-term solution.

I have tried many short-term solutions for my anxiety and depression over the last 20 years. I guess in the end, I became more wise from trial and error.
Yes, a drug high could give me relief for a short-time, but it would just rebound in a worse condition later.
Similar thing with suicide, although at another level.

Don’t get me wrong, I still fall for the occasional short-term solution, but nothing that will rebound too bad. Sugar, Food, Netflix I can take. But no drugs, no porn… or anything that has a high-energy effect on me.

This is just to offer a rational perspective on this very emotional matter. Is killing the physical body a long-term solution to suffering? Maybe it can be in some cases (I am thinking about people that suffer from unbearable physical conditions).
But if the killing comes from a knot of negative emotions… I know that will be heavy luggage for the next life experience.


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