To begin with, thank you for sharing… I know talking about these kinds of thoughts and feelings is not easy for most, so I respect the bravery it takes to come forward to address these kinds of issues.
This is a topic, sadly, that I have had far too much experience with. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, but it used to be a repeating pattern for me up until my mid 30s, starting when I was 13 years old.
My whole “awakening” story is here if you were interested in reading more about my experiences.
Love, Light & the Death of Reason - My Spiritual Awakening So Far
I am an empath that feels things very deeply. Amongst being a social outcast because of my overly loving nature, it was also very difficult for many years to separate my own feelings from the feelings of those around me. And this world is full of pain and suffering. My early 20s were the hardest time of my life. I felt so hopeless all the time that I had a hard time even leaving the house to buy groceries. I built myself a safe little bubble to stay in and it only made things worse. Whenever anything was hard, there was always this judgmental voice mocking me going “Well, life isn’t working out how I expected, I might as well kill myself.” It was honestly very frustrating that as soon as I began to default to feeling that, it popped up every single time anything difficult or emotionally volatile happened in my life.
I can tell you that I’ve almost died from an overdose many, many times. The worst of them all left me in the hospital overnight with little memory of what happened and an uncaring mental health professional telling me that they didn’t need to hear my life story when asked what led to my overdose. There is surprisingly little sympathy for those who are suffering from mental illness, especially in very larger urban centers.
Years past and this happened again… and again… and again. I’ve had people watching me sleep all night long so I didn’t die because I’d taken so many prescription pills with alcohol that my breathing was shallow and they were concerned I might stop breathing in my sleep.
When I woke up from this experience on Halloween many years ago, my roommate at the time responded by telling me if I did it again, he’d throw me out on the street.
Then… there was the suicides that happened within my own family. My aunt and my mom’s cousin both committed suicide. I had to see for years the impact it had on my cousin’s and yet…. I still couldn’t shake myself out of it for years.
I always thought things were too hard in the past, so I would default to this kind of thinking whenever things would appear to be bad instead of trying to cheer myself up or make things better.
I had a lot of shadows to heal.
I can tell you that all this kind of thinking does is hurts your heart. It makes you think you aren’t worthy of love or a beautiful life. Even after years of healing and shadow work, I still feel like my worth is based on what I can do for others. These feelings are very difficult to shake, but I can tell you from personal experience, ridding yourself of that “suicide ideation” is the best thing one could do for their own healing.
We are infinite in nature in finite form. We need to offer ourselves love as much as we should offer love to all beings in the creation. We have all the time in the world to figure it out, there is no rush. You just need to find what brings you balance. For me, getting better for myself was never enough motivation to inspire me. But doing it for someone I love was always the easiest thing in the world. I found my motivation. And the thought of hurting anyone I loved by leaving them behind here to do this alone was not something I wanted to experience, no matter how sad I felt on the hardest of days.
You need to find your motivation, your balance, what you love. It will be different for everyone. But I know that once I cleared the shadows away, what was left behind was far more beautiful then I ever could have expected. And to think that I almost missed out on what my life has become because I wanted to check out early just breaks my heart to think about.
In closing, please know that there is great love to have and life to experience and you’ll never know what is waiting for you if you don’t give it a chance.
This song saved my life more than once before so I thought I’d close with this:
I wish you all the love & light I can on your journey forward and know that life is so beautiful, you just need to remember how to see it again.