In my other recent post here, I talked about time compression, which has spurred a deeper look into questions related to how to deal with it.
I have a knowing of what this feeling of time compression is giving me catalyst for…
This knowing I have in me, is to me wholly devoted to my spiritual path, to the serving others, to the ONE…there are things that I feel deeply called to do that feel so rich with true desire and service to others! These things are my purpose, my mission while in this incarnation. This all feels very strong, very aligned, very open and expansive.
The frustration for me is that I just don’t seem to have enough time to go as hard into this calling as I would really like to while maintaining “regular life”.
As I mentioned in my other post, I have let go of as many things as I possibly can in order to “make room” for what really fills my heart with joy, purpose and mission.
It would feel pretty selfish of me to ignore the needs of my husband, my son and my household in favor of my heart’s burning passion to spend more time in devotion, prayer and service to others outside of my home. And yet…to not be able to do what is burning in my heart feels like death!
I feel so utterly trapped…caught in the middle.
I know that my role as a mother and wife is important at this time and I gladly accept this role…but it seems a never ending situation. Even when my son has become an adult and is living his own path, I still have responsibilities in the home, my husband will still be here and there are simply duties we must do just to live.
I have no idea how to move forward with this.
And it’s only getting worse! As time goes on, my deep passion gets stronger and stronger…will I break? Something must give!
I want LESS to do, LESS to be responsible for so that I can be more fully engauged with my mission on Earth and yet, I can’t seem to find anything else to let go of.
I am feeling someitmes along those lines, too, lol
I dont know if this will help. My brother in law who was much older, during WW2 was sent to India, as a young soldier, and he ended by visiting the ashram of Ramana Maharshi in 1943 in Tiruvannamalai.
When he asked Ramana how he could find time for spiritual quest,… Ramana said that just the very later years of life should be years of rest, and preferred solitude, searching for one’s own spiritual quest…
I do not think this will erase what seems to be a bit of frustration, AAR, but the coincidence was too funny for me not to tell, lol.
It sounds to me like you already are doing a great service to other selves and thus raising your and earth’s vibration.
So I don’t entirely understand what you mean by. But then again I cannot possibly understand your experience and point of view.
If you are yearning for spiritual essence, I might suggest only the usual which is meditation. Or listening to spiritual material/meditative music when you rest or go to sleep.
Meditation is always talked about like it’s the simplest and most mundane thing, but to me it is not. When I have very little time, and I sit down for 10 or 20 minutes to meditate and connect, these 10 minutes expand and fill me with much more than expected.
And when done with a group, who some do these kind of meditative group sessions online, it feels even more rewarding and only takes a couple of minutes. Because in the end of the day we are all quite busy in life and wish we’ve had more freedom.
Edit: And to add, I also feel that even reading or engaging in forums such as this with other spiritual seekers fills my yearning for spirituality.
AAR…your post is mine too. And the reason after a long absence for returning to bring4th.
Years ago, my spiritual awakening nearly broke my marriage to my husband. It did break my career. (The need to explore the metaphysical changes that were happening in and around me compelled my attention, and I had the bandwidth for only two of the then three essential pillars of my life: (1) husband, (2) career, and (3) metaphysical Calling/exploration.) I believed, naively, that when I retired, I could start the work of the Calling, of service to others. This uneasy bargain with myself held for decades.
But I am retired now, and we have sold everything we own, except for a small storage unit of “treasures.” We travel the world with three suitcases. (Hello from Bilbao, Spain.) And yet… and yet, there is no more room in my life now for the Calling than there was before!
And it’s breaking my heart (the pain is in the green-ray, heart-chakra).
I am rereading the entire Ra Material and seeking clues within the text regarding the dilemma that you described so eloquently. But Don, in a harmonious relationship with Carla and Jim, did not need to ask questions about this kind of dilemma. So I read between the lines, seeking what guidance I can find.
I haven’t had any epiphany (yet). Let me share what I’ve found so far, in service to our shared dilemmas.
1. Blockage. The inability to express (act on) the spiritual calling is a form of green-ray blockage. (“Blockages in this area may manifest as difficulties in expressing what you may call universal love or compassion.”) I experience this not only as being unable to “do the work” but also as my unwillingness to express to my husband (for the second time in our time together) the profound nature of the Calling and that I cannot do this work due to (my choice of) loyalty to him and our lives together.
I recognize that having this conversation might be the very thing that could “set me free,” so to speak. He could let me go. He could agree to support my seeking, but at the expense of giving up his own joy in world travel. He could also feel betrayed by my expressing a “love” for the Path that is equal to my love for him (or perhaps greater?). And if we ultimately agree, after tower-falling level conversations, to resume our current travels, will our marriage truly be the same? Will I have blown it up? I can’t have this conversation. I just can’t.
(And I must acknowledge here that what seems to be a perfectly rational sacrifice on my part for the love of my spouse may actually be folly and not the proper balance of Love and Wisdom. My husband has not asked me to sacrifice the Path for him. And my understanding of “service” is that one should not give it unless asked. So not only might my “sacrifice” be in vain, it might also be depolarizing me. Sigh.)
2. Balancing. Is there a way to balance the conflicting desires in some other way? “[I]t is also a primary priority at that point to begin to refine the balances between the energies so that each tone of the chord of total vibratory being-ness resonates in clarity, tune, and harmony with each other energy. This balancing, tuning, and harmonizing of the self is most central to the more advanced or adept mind/body/spirit complex.” I do not know how to do this, personally.
3. Overcoming or suppressing is evidently the wrong path:
“Ra: I am Ra. The proper role of the entity is in this density to experience all things desired, to then analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love/light within them. Nothing shall be overcome. That which is not needed falls away.
The orientation develops due to analysis of desire. These desires become more and more distorted towards conscious application of love/light as the entity furnishes itself with distilled experience. We have found it to be inappropriate in the extreme to encourage the overcoming of any desires, except to suggest the imagination rather than the carrying out in the physical plane, as you call it, of those desires not consonant with the Law of One, thus preserving the primal distortion of free will.
The reason it is unwise to overcome is that overcoming is an unbalanced action creating difficulties in balancing in the time/space continuum. Overcoming, thus, creates the further environment for holding on to that which apparently has been overcome.
All things are acceptable in the proper time for each entity, and in experiencing, in understanding, in accepting, in then sharing with other- selves, the appropriate distortion shall be moving away from distortions of one kind to distortions of another which may be more consonant with the Law of One.
It is, shall we say, a shortcut to simply ignore or overcome any desire. It must instead be understood and accepted. This takes patience and experience which can be analyzed with care, with compassion for self and for other-self.” (18.5)
“The repression of emotions depolarizes the entity insofar as it then chooses not to use the catalytic action of the space/time present in a spontaneous manner, thus dimming the energy centers. There is, however, some polarization towards positive if the cause of this repression is consideration for other-selves.” (42.09)”
4. Doing the Work through dreaming.
“[I]f it is known by the adept that work may be done in consciousness while the so-called conscious mind rests, this adept may call upon those which guide it, those presences which surround it, and, most of all, the magical personality which is the higher self in space/time analog as it moves into the sleeping mode of consciousness. With these affirmations attended to, the activity of dreaming reaches that potential of learn/teaching which is most helpful to increasing the distortions of the adept towards its chosen polarity.” (86.7)
5. Accept all that is in our current lives, but do “small” works of service. It is not a “small” thing to live a life with a husband, raise a child, and maintain a household. However, works of service to “others” or people outside of the nuclear family are still possible, even within the time constraints of ordinary life. This path involves being in the right place at the right time, calling on strangers and their problems to come to us, and a subtle form of reality creation whereby we serve as many people as we can within the limits of our present lives.
“RA: I am Ra. The heart of the discipline of the personality is threefold:
One, know yourself.
Two, accept yourself.
Three, become the Creator.
The third step is that step which, when accomplished, renders one the most humble servant of all, transparent in personality and completely able to know and accept other-selves. In relation to the pursuit of the magical working, the continuing discipline of the personality involves the adept in knowing itself, accepting itself, and thus clearing the path towards the great indigo gateway to the Creator. To become the Creator is to become all that there is. There is, then, no personality in the sense with which the adept begins its learn/teaching. As the consciousness of the indigo ray becomes more crystalline, more work may be done; more may be expressed from intelligent infinity. (74.11)
6. Forgive ourselves. “Few there are working physically from daybreak to darkness, as you name them, upon your plane who can contemplate the Law of One in a conscious fashion.” (11.28)
7. Call for help. Your post serves as such a call. Mine too. We can also seek assistance from our Higher Selves. Perhaps the Higher Self can “program” life events that will help get us unstuck?
8. Karma. Perhaps our current busy lives and all-consuming effort to sustain them were specifically pre-programmed catalysts for balancing past life karma? Perhaps we come into these incarnations not to do the great work, but to balance karma with these specific people; our spouses (or in your case, spouse and child?)? The fact that we are in relationships and have all-consuming commitments may be the primary reason we incarnated in the first place. Do we owe a past-life karmic debt to these loved ones? Did we “run out” on these same entities in a past life to answer the Call of service to others, and in doing so, did we harm these entities by not recognizing that Service to Others (family) is equally, or maybe more, important than Service to Others (strangers)? Are we supposed to be committed to these earthly lives and families as an act of balance, and in this lifetime, are we especially not supposed to go off and do “the Work”?
9. Radiate. Great service is done simply by existing and radiating the light. “[T]he positively oriented entity will be transmuting strong red-ray sexual energy into green-ray energy transfers and radiation in blue and indigo and will be similarly transmuting selfhood and place in society into energy transfer situations in which the entity may merge with and serve others and then, finally, radiate unto others without expecting any transfer in return.” (56.25)
I don’t know. I really don’t know. Maybe someone reading this thread will have the wisdom we are each searching for.
I am indeed already serving others (my family), and I will continue to do that until my service is no longer wanted/needed by them. I am first devoted to serving them, as they are the ones that I live with and am closest to. I believe in being a good steward of what we have in our immediate sphere of influence before going out into the world.
I am feeling a VERY intense internal desire to go out into the world as well. Not to leave my family behind or to stop serving them in favor of going out, but in addition to.
And I am feeling a VERY intense desire to also spend a whole lot more time in prayer and meditation and devotional communion with the ONE privately. I already meditate , pray and commune as much as time allows, but that’s the issue…I don’t have a lot of extra time after serving my family and my home and being a good steward there. I want MORE time for this. And MORE time for going out into the world.
I have tried and tried to shift my perception of the service I give my family and those around me, to “stay put” so to speak…but I know there is more that this for me. Even though I am always open to looking deeper into the mirror, I don’t feel like I am wrapped up in the ego. I really, truly feel that there is a path I have not fully stepped onto just yet. I can see it. I can taste it. I can look down it. But I do not have the time to fully step into it…and this is causing me to feel frustrated and sad…because I do not see how it is possible to incorporate more of the things I feel called to without sacrificing service to my family and my home. I am not willing to do that.
I KNOW that I am called to do more. Why do I have the intense calling if I cannot seem to do anything about it?
ricdaw…thank you so very much for sharing your personal story as well as some ways to have more deep reflection. Our unique but similar experiences make me feel a little less “alone” in my frustration.
I have a very deep desire to have LESS stuff and do less activities. And while my husband and I don’t like to party or drink or have a “busy” life, he still very much wants to explore the human life and experience human things like having more money so that he can further his hobbies and enjoyments which cost a substantial amount of money. It is most disappointing to him that he is not as “successful” as he had hoped to be at his age now.
I am not interested in “success” as defined by most humans. And the only reason I feel the need to interact with money is to be able to have enough to do what I feel called to do and to be able to help where service is requested. Other than that, even though I have preferences and menial desires (like a place on the beach) none of these things pull me. If I never have my “worldly” desires, so be it. Because nothing compares to serving the ONE and others who want to KNOW themself and allow the New Earth to unfold through them.
What I REALLY feel called to is to be FREE to pack a bag and go where I am called, leaving behind little to nothing that I feel tied to…to be able to spend hours and hours in prayer, meditation, devotion and contemplation.
Stopping to cook meals or tend to regular duties, is dreadful. Just eating itself feels like a waste of time to me. I nourish my body simply because I need this body in order to be of service.
Honestly, I have spent time sobbing my eyes out because I love the ONE so very much!!! There is NOTHING on Earth that I want more! To Love fully myself, the ‘others’ and the ONE.
When I was a teenager, I made the decision to be celibate. I wanted my life to be wholly devoted to Jesus (I was religious at the time). And I was then celibate and single for 9 years. But I was also unhappy in religion and felt suppressed. I could not explore reality in the way I wanted to, or even use my gifts the way I wanted to. I cried out to God often about this…but one day in desperation, I told him that I just wanted to be happy and serve him…but that I didn’t know how to do that when I felt so miserable.
Along came my husband, who gave me the freedom to explore myself and know myself in ways that the church wouldn’t allow…and he never judges me or makes me feel stupid. And boy, has he been on a wild ride with me because of it!!! So, maybe I feel a little indebted to him because of this. Almost like, did I use him to find myself, and now that I’ve found myself I need to be free in another way???
Blockage – I feel the same in this area as you have described. Wondering if my unwillingness to share with my family how I really feel about this Calling is actually a disservice in general. A disservice mainly to the ONE.
What if I dove into my Calling the way I truly wanted to? What would my family think about me? What would it look like? Would everyone think I was a lazy, entitled housewife? And that question itself shines a light on the ego…that it cares what other people think…that it cares I will be judged for not being the “person” I have been my whole life…the one who gets stuff done. The reliable one. The one with a clean house, home cooked meals, a nice-looking lawn, a good mother, a good wife, a good homemaker who can sew and clean and has all her stuff organized.
And it’s not like I don’t value those things…but at such a lesser value that the ONE and service to others in ways that help them know themself.
What would happen if I actually followed the Calling in my heart? Somehow it just doesn’t feel fair for me to do it! But what is “fair”? Sometimes I think I quench myself because I feel guilty that my husband works full time and if I don’t continue to do the usual stuff, he will feel obligated to do it…that just feels completely unacceptable to me. I can hardly let go of those usual things when I am sick or in pain.
My husband has not asked me to sacrifice the Path for him either…and he tells me to follow my heart, …but he has also said that he cannot financially support my Path if it asks for money. And I do understand that. What I think I have not been clear about to him (which may be what you are talking about as well) is the depth at which I feel this Calling and what it would mean if I followed it in the way I really want to. Our entire living situation would change. And I don’t think my husband or my son would like it, or feel that it was something aligned with Love.
Balancing – I’m not sure I know how to do it either. I’m not sure I even understand it intellectually.
Overcoming or suppressing - I can see how Ra has suggested that it is unbalanced in certain desires…but what if the fallout leads to others feeling abandoned or unloved?
Also, if this is true in all cases, what about the addict’s desire for more drugs, yet the drugs being a detriment to the body? Would it not be better to overcome? I suppose in following the Calling, the family is like the body then. If I follow the Calling, is that not a detriment to my family? Would this not be consideration for other-selves, as Ra states???
Doing the work through dreaming – I have not had much training in controlling my dreams and often feel that they are sub-par compared to waking life. I wouldn’t even know where to start with this.
Accept all that is in our current lives, but do “small” works of service – As a child, I had the internal sense that I was “meant” to do something other than just live a regular life like most people. It was a gnawing and grating feeling and seemed like I was pawing through the dark just trying to have some kind of light on what it was that I “should” be doing.
I spent decades seeking God, asking what my purpose was, only to feel completely separated from it. After getting married and having a child, I went through a huge mental break down which led me to be very simplistic with life, because it was all I could handle to just be a stay-at-home mom and wife. During that time, I “came to terms with” the idea of being a mother and wife. I put my all into it. And for years it felt so easy, so comforting to be focused on such a simple way of life. But during this time, I was also going through a massive spiritual awakening, and over time the intense Calling that had been there since childhood arose again. This time it arose with vigor and passion like I didn’t know could exist! Along with it, a true and heartfelt KNOWING of what my purpose/mission is…
Yet here I am, unable to step into it in the way I want to. I am certainly making small steps with it…and perhaps there will come a time when things will fall into place to untether me from these obligations of regular life…but right now, the intensity of the desire compared to what I can act upon is excruciating to bare.
I guess it begs the question, am I really a humble servant? Or am I trying to have my own way? And if it is the latter, then I want to strip myself of this ego and put myself into the right role that I should be in. Because it is my desire to be just like the Creator in all that I do. And if the Creator is humble, then I must be. That is what I want. If the Creator wants of me to fill the role of mother/wife/homemaker for the rest of my life, the so be it! But I can’t live in this feeling of the Calling drawing me, pulling me, grabbing for my attention until I depart from the body.
Forgive ourselves – I am a bit lost on this entry…what is the meaning?
Call for help – I feel myself in a similar life feeling as I did that day when I called out to God through sobbing that I just wanted to be happy and know what I am supposed to do…and the Creator sent me a wonderful man that gave me space to know myself. And now, as I call out again with a similar desperation…I wonder what (if anything) will be sent to help me on this path???
Karma – This one was probably the most thought provoking for me…and the most triggering. I have had glimpses into one of my own “past” lives and at least from the perspective I have in this life of that one, I have gotten the sense that it was other people that left me when I followed my calling because they were afraid of persecution being associated with me. So, I went it alone. Of course, I may not be perceiving this life correctly and maybe it is all hogwash to begin with.
In any case, there is something about this karma bit that really hits on a nerve…and I’m not sure if it’s ego, or an unhealed wound.
Partially, I cannot reconcile part of this because if we are guided by our higher self through our desires (especially if we are willing to release egoic desires to follow the path of LOVE) then why would we have a truly good desire but have to then kind of snuff it out and put ourself in some kind of subservience to others, essentially renouncing our own desires or resisting them??? How can any of us be sure if our desire then, is born of some karmic load or of truth???
Radiate – Yes, I also believe that great service is done by radiating. However, there are those of us who are called to teach and show the WAY once we have gained some measure of realization and actualization in our life. As far as I can tell, (though I am willing to see into the mirror with more light as always) I honestly don’t expect anything in return for following this Calling. I know that all my needs will be supplied by the ONE as I go, and if I don’t have something to move ahead, I must not need it right then, or I might be in the process of being redirected. No one owes me anything. I give freely without expectation or demand. I have already put this into practice in the only way I know how…which is to take donations if someone wants to give, but otherwise teaching, singing and serving without asking for money or service in return.
---- I suppose I am grappling with the difference between people who are perfectly content living a “regular” life and those who are not. The former never feel any kind of deep or intense need to seek something else or do something else. Even after awakening, they simply Love more deeply and radiate their light more brightly, and their forward motion isn’t compelled by some kind of unseen force.
Those who are called to teach and be WAY showers, wouldn’t they have to have some kind of driving force??? Otherwise, how would they reach larger groups of people? Jesus must have had some kind of driving force…some deep feeling, some deep knowing that he was meant for more…to be a WAY shower…but he wasn’t more or less special than anyone else…nor was Buddha, or Gandhi, or Yogananda…but something drove them to step up to the plate, to devote their life to something bigger than just “regular” life in order to be of service to a greater number of people. And the greater number of people then are able to emanate their own light brighter because of it.
Being forced to remain subservient the rest of my life seems like a terrible punishment likened to the god of the Bible who only wants obedience and if you are not obedient to worship him, sentences you to hell for eternity.
— I don’t know either —
But I do know, it might literally kill me if I have to contain this intense Calling for years to come…
If you made it this far, congratulations! I am an eternal thinking and sharing thoughts are part of my way of sorting through things…
I would love to keep this dialouge going with you or anyone who has stuck around.
I have more to share with you, but I wanted to present this part separately because it’s important.
The original Ra quote was intended to show that having The Call was already exceptional, something most people are unaware of. So, giving yourself some forgiveness was totally appropriate because you’d already exceeded the stretch goal of everyone else.
But let me expand on this tiny subpart about forgiveness.
Eckhart Tolle, in The Power of Now, revealed an important truth: unhappiness can be quantified by the “distance” between what you want and what you have, similar to a taut, stretched rubber band. The greater the gap, the greater the suffering.
However, he also has a unique way of easing this tension. It’s a combination of acceptance and forgiveness. OMG, am I really going to go all “Ra” and call it “acceptance/forgiveness”? I guess I am.
At its core, it’s a powerful release of pressure. It’s something you do for yourself, mentally. You “accept” that the tension exists, but also that, for now, you don’t have a solution to the problem. So, for today, forgive yourself for not having a solution. “I have to meet the contradictory needs of supporting my family with the all-consuming need to go forth and teach the Law of One. I can’t do both. So, for today, just today, I accept/forgive myself that I have not solved this conundrum.”
Believe it or not, this simple gift will create the “space” you need and relieve the pressure. Forgiveness of self is healing. It is a way to break karma. And it is grace that you can bestow upon yourself.
Eckhart Tolle is more eloquent. However, the conscious act of forgiveness is a magnificent gift to the Self. It is not permanent and does not lead to complete absolution. Tomorrow, you will again face the same internal pressure for resolution. Yet, you will be able to forgive yourself for not having solved the problem that day, because you don’t actually have a solution. Why beat yourself up over something you couldn’t fix?
It’s like a Twelve Step program for those who are spiritually anguished.
I would encourage you to explore this tiny step of absolution to give yourself a small pressure release so that you do not break. No one benefits from a Light-being self-destructing.
And maybe buy Eckhart’s book. It is profound in its own way. And another slow read. I did a few pages a day. It took a while to finish.
Maybe moving forward is not where you need to go? Possibly you are blocked in that direction to prompt you to seek an alternative? Perhaps you need to turn 180 degrees and move further inward?
To me, you feel so very cluttered in the forward direction, so full of legitimate personal concerns. Perhaps if you move further internally, you will find an avenue of spaciousness to relieve your sense of being crowded?
Confederation folk say that when we are born, in addition to a physical baby body, we are also given a baby spirit. For it to grow up, it needs the personality to stand aside and give it room to play. Perhaps you can find some internal space and invite it in to have fun on its own terms? Maybe its grown up some since then and can you things?
This may alleviate some of your stress while also broadening your inner perspective–if it works for you.
I don’t feel that I am fully blocked, from moving forward, just partially. And in two different areas that I will make a little more clear.
I have small opening of space and support from my family and those around me to “go out” into the world and serve little steps at a time. Once per month I have the space to channel and share messages and vocal tunings with a regular group of people and I am just now set to have my own first public event on June 21. These things fill me with so much joy and purpose! I do certainly want to do more of this, but I also realize that there are things that need to get sorted through and set in place before than happens, so I am mostly accepting of the unfolding in this area.
The other area, which is the area that feels the most tense and closed, is the ability to have more time for silence, reflection, prayer, meditation, devotion, communion in private. Alone. No one else bothering me or calling for my attention. No to-do list nagging at the edges of my mind.
I VERY MUCH want to move further internally, to spend time going into the depths for reckoning and growth…but it is this very thing that you are suggesting that seems just out of reach and frustrates me. I can’t seems to carve out more time/space for myself to do this…because of the daily obligations of life.
What type of fun/play would it be asking of me to have?
The things that I find the most enjoyable are the very things that I cannot seem to have more of…unless you are referring to regular life fun…like sunbathing, bike rides and time with friends…all of which I enjoy as fun/play, but not as much as spiritual seeking and serving…
I do this already…sometimes for an hour…which may seem like “why am I complaining about not enough time”…but I just feel like I crave it so much that an hour each day is just not substantial enough for me!
This is why I am conflicted…because an hour seems like “a lot”…but it doesn’t feel like it.
Everything just feels so…disorganized??? Stretched??? Compressed??? Trapped???
I am very uncomfortable. And I’m here for it. I’m in it. Fully. For whatever is going on, whatever is being worked out in me. I’m not looking to passify myself or soothe myself into bypassing…I will go to the depths of darkness, for the millionth time if need be. But if I need more “time” to go through it and I’m not getting more time…I feel suffocated by it.
I long with the depths of my being to allow my body and mind and spirit bring to wherever it needs me to go at whatever time, place or situation it is in…but that is not practical, nor loving to those around me.
I feel quite separate from wisdom with all of this…which is why I came here.
Certainly, no one is to blame for any of this…perhaps I’m trying too hard to find answers…maybe there are none…maybe I will never know…
You might find some relief if you express gratitude for all you’ve engaged with and learned from, “And now I release all connections & attachments, beliefs and feelings which no longer serve me from all my energy bodies.”
“I now accept the soothing peace of the part of my eternal being which never separated from Divinity.”
Of course, the point is not simply to make these noises, but to speak from as deep a place in your being as you can find.
I am an eternal thinking and sharing thoughts are part of my way of sorting through things…