The past few years for me have been much of what you have stated in this thread. For me it’s a constant WTF NOW! The feelings of numbness, indifference, disinterest, and lack of desire is weird for me. And I feel them often. Like you, I am a seeker. I can spend days, weeks on end going down wormholes that end in rabbit holes. Hours are minutes, days are hours. The amount of information I have sought, found and digested…I can’t begin to quantify. Am I happier? No. I have talked to psychiatrists and they easily recommend/diagnose me with depression but I am not depressed. I’m a seeker of the wisdom of truth. That truth weighs heavily sometimes and sometimes it’s too much to discern. There’s so much energy behind what we find, in books, ancient texts, etc. that we don’t take into mindful consideration of tidal waves of energy that come with all that we find, study, and practic. we just move on to the next, and the next, and all of a sudden we’re in this riptide of feelings, emotions, and mental chaos. When it eventually subsides we’re left feeling stranded on a deserted island. We’re so burned out we can’t muster the thought of summoning source, prayer, and meditation…ha! I have fried myself so many times and so hard that even willing the menial focus required to meditate feels like trying to climb Everest.
In regards to doing. I used to be ambitious. I had a very successful business, on paper and in the physical (in terms of owning lots of things) one could easily see I was playing and winning the modern western game of life. Then it was gone. In a blink of an eye. Now, several years later, I have nothing to show. no pretty valuables, no financial wealth, no exciting stories of how I did this to get to that. I only have years of seeking. Years of slamming into things, fumbling around, knocking things over and breaking them while exploring the darkness that is this human condition, trying to find this ever evading consciousness. The god in us all, that glimmering light, that sudden warmth, tender, joy that came from a single thought…what was that thought so I can feel it again, shi-ooot I can’t remember. Frick…It’s gone. We look for it in books, texts, summon in meditations, chants, and prayers, but it’s elusive and difficult to replicate. Yes I have had mystical experiences, mostly in meditation, sometimes spontaneously while in thought, but never have I reached enlightenment, I don’t think and I also don’t think that’s the goal anymore. I think it’s about going into and operating in the physical day to day mundane and often cruel world. Stepping into the game and walking in your own highest truth you can in the moment.
You go to dinner with friends and everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is going through something. Kids, spouses, work, politics, injustices, problems, are always the topics for a lot of us. yet you say very little or barely touch on anything about yourself. No one truly knows what you’ve been up to, it’s a secret between you and spirit/god/conciousness. Let’s be honest, They couldn’t understand because there are no words. You will only come out sounding like you’ve started or joined a religion/cult. Dinner is over, and everyone is several drinks in including yourself. Unknowingly to you, the conversation has changed and you’re the one talking. You’ve offered someone a different perspective. A slightly more positive way of seeing a problem that could potentially create a better outcome for everyone involved. One rooted in the truth and wisdom you acquired through the path of seeking. but you gave it in an objective non spiritual manner. others chime in, and you maintain rooted in that truth. You give more, and more, in bite sized words of wisdom. Sometimes feeling like you’re teetering on the edge of unmasking your self but you don’t. you read between their faces and their tones but yours is steady, firm, and joyful, but delivered in the highest and best way for all. The night ends. You’re slightly intoxicated as is everyone else but you’re content, you feel light and like your cup is fuller than when you arrived. Some thank you for giving them a new perspective. Others hug you so tight, they say nice things but it’s gibberish because you feel it in their soul. The gratitude. You connected with them, barely friends mostly strangers. it makes you wanna tear up. You go home and you feel it. You just did some magic. Something kind, honest, and fulfilling. You spread the love and the light of your truest self in that moment and that is not nothing. It’s everything. To me, it’s a new found purpose. A game with spirit. It’s the “this is WTF I do now” or whenever it feels appropriate to do. It’s not becoming a guru that ascends into the clouds or takes the stage, or the one who gives the ultimate course in ascending to higher realms, or manifesting their dream this or that, or the one that starts a non profit to ______” it’s just about sharing your truth. In ways “digestible to each individual or people” all without giving yourself up as a spiritual seeker. We (the seekers) are not anything more, special, better than anyone place or thing on this planet. We are attuned to take in certain information more efficiently than most (with the knowing that anyone can seek and find god/spirit) yet our ship either arrived here with the needed antennae or we have slowly built up or own masts overtime, I believe we are the transponders, decoders, translators, synthesizers of that information and automatically cast this LL frequency out in our own normal state. but when we decide to use our intent, to outwardly focus and project this information, it becomes something higher than us.
This is just my current understanding, in the best way I know how to say it. I am sure this process, and understanding, and I, will change over time. But right now, it’s a truth that has helped me personally deal with what feels like I don’t do enough, Feelings of apathy, sadness, loneliness or feeling Like I need to and or can change the world if only I had_____. really, I know I am more than I can physically see, do or say always and forever.
Lastly, REST. Take time off or take walks in nature. A full nights rest and a walk in the trees is something so unbelievably underrated. Especially when trying to digest spiritual knowledge. I can be totally gutted, defeated, and confused, then get a good nights rest (which let’s be honest to a lot of seekers that in-itself is its own topic of contention) wake up feeling renewed then force myself to drive/walk to the nearest park where I can just sit with the trees, and the rocks and birds and just listen to that wonderful symphony of that is god masquerading as nature, that is all I need to recharge my batteries.
I probably don’t have to say it but know that if you’ve read this far, since you began reading this, an ultra hyper bright beam of love light and joy has been focused on you and all, because I said so…I love you. L & L my friend(s).
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