Can the purpose of a wanderer be not to serve others but to learn their own lessons?`

Apologies in advance for the length.

I recently went on an intense psychedelic trip where I tried to explore the nature of being a wanderer. I took quite a large dose. In the weeks leading up to this, I’d been feeling disconnected and unsupported by any higher beings and so I went in with the intention of trying to explore my own nature.

During the trip come-up, I found myself talking to myself in the mirror as if I was my higher self. I would ask a question, then my higher self would answer. At some point, I was told that I had “gone as far as one could go on the path of separation.” Further questioning explained this to mean that I had previously made it to 6th density Service-to-Self but somehow depolarized and became a wanderer to learn to polarize Service-to-Others.

At this point, the large dose really kicked in, and it felt like I died and was in a life review. Here it was revealed to me that I am to learn the lessons of self-love, compassion, vulnerability, and forgiveness. At this point, I got extremely frustrated because I fully understood that I would not be able to progress past 3rd density until this happened. After this, the psychedelics became overwhelming and I felt like I was being attacked by whatever Service-to-Self higher entities I used to be associated with. They were belittling me and saying how they wouldn’t want me back anyway. I then started getting flashbacks to previous deaths across time from as far back as several thousand years ago to as recently as one that occurred not long after my current birth (is that even possible? I would assume so since I was an infant when this other-self died and the experience matters more than the actual illusion of linear time).

Then it got even worse and I felt like I was in hell. It was like being stripped down to nothing but pure hatred. It had flashbacks of all the anger and hatred I’ve felt to others in this life and it was like I was screaming at myself to forgive them but because I didn’t, I was left to burn in my own hatred. I then had even more intense flashbacks from past lives that became so painful, I found myself begging to have the veil of forgetting put back; symbolically I did this by taking a trip killer and locking my ID in a safe (idk it was something to do). Then I blacked out. When I woke up, I didn’t (and still don’t) remember the worst parts of it. I guess my begging of the veil to be put back worked. It seems I have failed in my charge as a wanderer numerous times for thousands of years.

So my question is, are all wanderers here to serve others? I felt as if that is not the purpose of me being here, rather I am here for my own spiritual development given my previous status as Service-to-Self. It seemed in all the Earth past life death flashbacks I had, my circumstances were similar to my current life. The last death seemed to put me in almost the exact situation my current life is in. I have always been extremely selfish, arrogant, greedy, hateful, and averse to vulnerability, though in recent years I have been trying to change that (besides the vulnerability).

This trip has really affected me in that it also told me that my time is running out and that this could be my last incarnation before something has to change, whatever that means. Learning to be a selfless person just seems so insurmountable given how easy and natural it is for me to retreat to the safety of my negative self when faced with catalysts. In some ways, I am more compassionate than most others, but I still feel like this is going to be an absurdly hard thing to accomplish. I was told by my higher self that I would be here “again and again and again” until I could accomplish this, and in my trip state, I honestly supported that idea, but it terrifies my now that my trip is over. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety, and this puts a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on me. Late in my trip when I mentioned being overwhelmed by my hate, I actually thought I’d died and was in some temporary hell to learn just how powerful and bad my emotions were. I would be quite sad if this is what would actually have happened if I were to somehow die now.

I wish I could just be a kind, loving person with strong, stable relationships and a quiet life. But doing that means I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and the thought of that stuff not working out makes me avoid any attempt. My current selfish self just has too much safety. Sure I won’t be hurt by being StS, but it feels like I am in a prison of my own design - one that I could walk out of at any time I wanted to but continuously choose not to out of fear of being emotionally hurt. And it annoys me to no end seeing how most people don’t struggle with this.

Of course, this could all be totally wrong given I was extremely high on drugs.


Welcome and thanks for sharing so openly, only thing I could say is try not to put so much pressure on your self and just take it day by day.

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I’m still new to this all but from my understanding we are all here to learn our own lessons, but ultimately those lessons are either there to support us in our STS or STO path. That may mean in this lifetime your STO path (if that is the path you are on) requires a lot of personal lessons, but your aim is still to eventually polarize in one direction or the other. I also don’t think STO needs to look like you are immediately in love with everyone around you. Maybe this lifetime is just about you learning to be a little more vulnerable, a little more open to sharing your heart with other people. Don’t feel the need to rush things, we have all eternity to take this journey and we will all arrive exactly on time.

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Serving others and learning their own lessons is not mutually exclusive.
As Ra mentioned, service to others will lead to service to self.
And the opposite is actually also true, service to self will lead to service to others.

For example:

  • Without anyone ‘treat you wrong/unjustly’, how can you express ‘forgiveness’?
  • WIthout anyone ‘belittling you’, how can you express ‘patience’ and ‘humility’?

As you’ve mentioned, 3rd density incarnation have an ‘interesting feature’ of ‘thick veiling’.
Entity stripped down of their memory and take on challenges relying on faith.
Yet with being stripped down from the memory they’re able to see things with fresh/radically new perspective. Considering different options, the options which previously was considered as ‘not even an option’.
From: I don’t forgive I hit back hard and take my revenge.
Into: Wait, maybe forgiveness is a better option.


On the one hand, we serve by the very quality of our being. On the other hand, you don’t have to make many decisions about your very beingness, so it’s not really germane to your specific concern.

You learn lessons best with mirrors, brah. You wouldn’t have incarnated here if you didn’t need third density mirrors, i.e. other people. Trust that you designed an incarnation in which the point is not to avoid the mirror anymore than you avoided looking in the literal mirror in your story.

I will say that I have noted in seekers that a fixation of psychedelics is often correlated with a tendency to focus more on seeking the novel and fantastic in spirituality, something that is sometimes called spiritual materialism. You’re using a crutch to see into the true nature of things, so yeah: it’s pretty wild that we live in an illusion. But you chose this illusion when you had a wider vision of your evolutionary priorities before your incarnation, and you do not occupy a superior vantage point now because you took a drug.

So the question is less about whether you can just learn your own lessons but whether you even want to learn, since if you’re trying to break out of the classroom, the curriculum is kind of off the table. In service to others, we use the illusion to teach and learn. That’s why those who were STO harvestable at the end of the second cycle stuck around; to help everybody make it to 4D. The STS harvestables moved straight ahead. Which sounds more like what you’re trying to do?

This is why polarity is hard; I’m really not trying to make you seem like an a**hole. We all struggle with this and you’re trying to be honest about your thinking. I’m trying to point out the contours of this difficult choice of polarity because it’s the very thing that makes it difficult that makes it matter. The lessons we’re learning aren’t intellectual per se; they are affective. What we bring with us past 3D is not anything we’d recognize as personality, but deeper qualities that can only be touched in those rich experiences.

So you’re not gonna big brain this, none of us are. Vulnerability is the name of the game because, in part, only vulnerability makes possible the networking of will and trust that allows for social memory at the global level in the first place. Go easy on yourself, and be careful man! There really isn’t a rush. Reach out if you wanna talk more.

I wasn’t insinuating that I had a superior vantage point, in fact, I mentioned by the end of it, I was wishing I could forget all of it.

While you are certainly correct about the possibility of psychedelics being used as a crutch is abused, I wouldn’t completely discount them. I would have never become spiritually involved had it not been for them, and at lower doses, they help me a lot with meditation and helped me personally understand chronic suicidal ideation (I’m fine). I still try to meditate on my own without them the vast majority of the time.

Yes, I do want to learn, but it’s also hard. While I do not believe in the more dogmatic bits of the LoO with undeniable certainty, if it is the case that I had been a 6th density StS entity at one point, it would go to show how easy it is for me to embrace separation and how hard it is to embrace vulnerability. I’m not saying that excuses it, but it does provide needed contextualization. I’m trying my best to understand why I am the way I am so that I can then work to fix it. I like to do this both from the perspective of this incarnation, and what may have come before.

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Yeah I came off a little hard on you, I’m sorry. There’s a reason why what you said in particular triggered me but I apologize for passing that pain along.

I would suggest letting life itself be the feedback mechanism on how much you can open up and exhibit vulnerability. You don’t have to do it all at once; take baby steps. Build trust in yourself and your resilience slowly over time, and that way you don’t have to take my word for it or Ra’s or anybody’s. The best way we learn is by finding out for ourselves, but we have a lot of time and a lot of opportunities with which to do that. Start small and learn how to be a different kind of you that is just as much you.

Again, I’d be happy to chat privately if it would be helpful, but I totally understand if I’ve rubbed you the wrong way.

I think one of my favorite Confederation quotes is apropos here, and keep in mind: everybody is cowed when they gaze at the enormity of the project of spiritual evolution. Our third density personalities are only one vehicle we use to probe the Creator, and it’s not all about getting it right. You learn a lot by your mistakes too!

We give this instrument a vision it does not understand. This instrument sees the hammer descending upon the anvil and the rock breaking. We attempt to say to this instrument that that which is not tempered will break. Go through the fire of experience willingly, my friends, and be tempered a bit at a time, that with experience you may bend and learn and become stronger, and serve more and more that great ideal that you so cherish. On the surface the spiritual path seems poetic and dramatic and will attract many who will become weak-hearted. Know, my friends, the spiritual path is for those who are tough and wish to become tougher. Perfect compassion involves an unbelievable personal discipline, for how in this great illusion can you naturally believe that all others are one with you?

Hatonn, Aug 14, 1983

I’ve never realized how important the “be tempered a bit at a time” part is. If it were about doing it all at once, we would need a lifetime to reinforce it!


A better way of expressing the dichotomy may be “accepting parts of me versus accepting all of me.” A full state of vulnerability is useful as a tool to open the self to accepting the self. This is your goal, if you’ll allow me to be presumptive here for a moment. This is why STS tops out at 6D. As you experience the self ever more deeply, you find that your conscious self, your “I,” is that which all else is. At that point, the only step forward is to open wholly and without stint or reservation. But you’re not there yet. You have to move along a step at a time.

I found similar characteristics in myself and in 2006 Jim & Carla asked Q’uo some questions about it fir me. You find the session worth reading. In short, there was no guidance to serve others by performing overt actions, rather, the guidance was to serve the One Creator by deepening the consciousness of self. You have an unusual opportunity to do that now.

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I’m reading your overall perspective as you desire to grow in the direction of STO in this lifetime.

I think self-love/self-acceptance is the foundation. In my experience, the rest flows from that.

It sounds like you’re looking for connection. And I think A LOT of people struggle with this. Myself included. My relationships didn’t start to become strong and stable until I worked on my sh’t, frankly (still am). And I did that from a place of loving myself enough to do the work. The work began with the will to experience the painful emotions and not run from them. (And I would describe projecting my negative emotions onto others through negative behavior as a way of running from pain.) The skill to actually work with my emotions came later. The will is where the work started. And accepting and loving myself is where I found the will.

You mentioned a few times the need for safety. A need we all have. Slowly (and I mean slowly) learning to love myself helped me create that place of safety within myself. It was a slow process of cultivation and care. It’s orange ray stuff, I believe.

Is it necessary to divide yourself into positive and negative selves in this lifetime? Or is it all just you trying to learn? For me, the very first step of working on myself was a mindset shift from a fixed, rigid, “there is a way I should be and if I can just be that then I’ll be okay, lovable, accepted, free from suffering” --echoes of voices from my childhood, religious and cultural teachings, etc. TO a growth perspective that goes hand in hand with accepting yourself. If I accept myself as I am, and if I believe I am here in this life to learn and grow in love (open my heart) then anything I experience (even my own fear and ‘failures’ and heartache and shame) is “grist for the mill” as someone once said. Or said another way, value the illusion. You are here. Make use of what given yourself.

This response is very much filtered through the lens of my experience so it may not be of service to you. Hopefully it is on some level, but take what you will.

How does one know if their Chakra’s are in balance?

Your regular everyday catalysts informs you of that. How things are going for you at this time. For example, if you are struggling with money issues, getting food or having a place to live; then this would indicate an imbalance in red ray (the first chakra). Until this is worked on, then the other chakras cannot be properly balanced either. So one must look to their life circumstances and their relationships to get an idea of what chakras needs balancing.


@Patrick gives a good reply, in general terms. In your case, you might find various little dramas of separation vs. connection playing out at various levels. The basic idea is that the lessons are learned (and some degree of balance is achieved) when one can meet each situation knowing that this, too, is (or shall be) accepted as part of self.

Most of us have trouble, for example, accepting that which we despise or fear as part of self, maybe “bad luck” circumstances or “icky” people, etc. These would represent energy blockages because that energy of rejection clings to chakras and blocks the upwards energy flow towards the heart center.

As more blockages are cleared and more energy flows to the heart center, one can better accept both oneself as experienced in the lower centers as well as self experienced in the higher centers. Psychedelics can offer random-ish experiences in the upper areas, but if we are not accepting of the various aspects of self in the lower–if we have not made an accommodating home for ourselves in the lower areas–then the higher experiences have no underlying structure of support, and so we have trouble working with them. We may end up feeling like a grass hut in a strong windstorm. Inherent strength is built through the process of looking inside self and accepting/loving/collecting-as-one all that we find. This is where vulnerability is invaluable. It’s hard to find anything in there when it’s burried behind self-made defenses.

If this sounds like work–ha ha ha–it is that.


Wow that session was incredibly eye opening, and I resonated with it very much. Thank you for that.


Thank you both for those responses Patrick and Mirror you really both made the chakras more relatable to here in 3D.


That’s funny. Over the 17 year and two week period from then to now, you’re the first to say that. So, thanks for that. It’s not for everyone, to be sure. Some come here explicitly to alleviate distress in the outer world, etc.

One other thing based on my wanderings, becoming proficient at using separation as tool for social purposes or whatever tends to give a person an exaggerated sense of their self importance. So, don’t take yourself too seriously…all the time.

More deeply, one eventually learns to see through the parts of self which one can take seriously when wielding separation. The parts of self which are truly valuable become gradually apparent over time. But in some instances, you have to give up the obvious before what’s hidden becomes apparent. Just follow your nose.

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I suppose it only applies to a small subset of people. Some of the stuff said in it almost exactly describes how I was feeling in the original post. For example, I said:

I wish I could just be a kind, loving person with strong, stable relationships and a quiet life. But doing that means I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and the thought of that stuff not working out makes me avoid any attempt. My current selfish self just has too much safety. Sure I won’t be hurt by being StS, but it feels like I am in a prison of my own design - one that I could walk out of at any time I wanted to but continuously choose not to out of fear of being emotionally hurt. And it annoys me to no end seeing how most people don’t struggle with this.

And Q’uo says:

In order to dig down into the treasure of self, you must break the container that holds all of that pride or arrogance of accomplishment. When you have released this structure, you will find that you are as vulnerable as a tiny kitten, such as the one that is snuggled up against this instrument’s ankle at this moment. Only when you have become as a tiny
child, free of the burden of your wisdom, can you at last break the bunker of self-consciousness.
My brother, how deeply and how truly you seek to do that! And yet how clever are the many, many thoughts and strategies that will gladly entrain your intelligence and distract your will. These forces within you do not wish for you to open your heart. They like having full pockets. They do not want you to empty your pockets of these things which, to the surface personality, seem to suggest selfhood. Yet there is a powerful voice within you that says that this is not true consciousness. And you hunger for that.

Of all the channelings, in little time you managed to find the one that almost exactly describes how I feel. Thanks.


The advantage of the one that has traversed the path that lead to dead end is that they know that such path lead to the end, and not merely believe because somebody else said so.

Perhaps your HS release that speck of memory to you now because they see that you seem to again venture to the same path that you’ve traveled before. And that’s not the pre planned objective of your current incarnation into 3rd density vehicle.

Regarding vulnerability any type of finite vehicle is vulnerable. They are finite by design, have limitations including limitation of existence in time dimension.
Yet that vehicle is merely a virtual sheathing of something that is indestructible and infinite.

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Probably the last thing I say on this.

I did a past life regression with a trained hypnotist today to try to see that most recent death I had. I ended up not being able to see that. Instead, I found myself in an infinitely long hallway (the hallway was an allegory for time) that was completely dark with a small light on the wall every eternity or so. I didn’t feel anything in this hallway. I didn’t feel fear or uncertainty or love or anything at all. The darkness that I was engulfed in wasn’t darkness in the sense of evil, but darkness in the sense of there was nothing there at all.

I interpreted this as me projecting back to the grand finale of my StS path in 6th density. I had accomplished total control and had transcended fear by achieving complete separation from all in a traditional sense. Perhaps the only thing I felt was something like “well what now? I got what I wanted. I have total control and certainty that nothing can harm me.” I took those brief lights in the hallway that appeared after incomprehensibly long intervals darkness as perhaps the intervention of StO entities to show me the possibility of further growth, but that it was only possible in the light. I didn’t see much else or the moment I decided to leave that darkness. Like I said in my original post, it was a prison of my own design, one that I could walk out of at any time but never would by choice.

But for me, I suppose that’s what the conclusion of the StS path was. I had achieved absolute separation from all else after many, many StS incarnations. I no longer felt hate or fear or uncertainty. The only thing I felt was confusion and emptiness.

I suppose that leads me to believe that there are too ways to transcend pain, by separation or by unity. Both work, but only one is fulfilling.

Though this could have all just been a hallucination and not actually real. Idk.

Edit: I should say I meant the only raw thing I felt was emptiness, and the confusion was created from that because I was bewildered as to why I felt empty when this is what I had been wanting across all time leading up to that point.

There are annual cycles of natural growth and there are longer cycles, moving up from the “tomb of the womb,” shooting out above ground, reaching the pinnacle of one’s form, then descending slowly back into the womb.

When awakening underground, an entity instinctively senses the direction of the light and renews the cyclical journey from the place of darkness out into light and form, then returning to formlessness and “lightlessness.”

Confederation sources inform us that at the beginning of these cycles we arrive as a spark, and at the end we complete as a sun, having learned so many, many lessons, and expanded our consciousness (not our form) to discover its full potential.