Apologies in advance for the length.
I recently went on an intense psychedelic trip where I tried to explore the nature of being a wanderer. I took quite a large dose. In the weeks leading up to this, I’d been feeling disconnected and unsupported by any higher beings and so I went in with the intention of trying to explore my own nature.
During the trip come-up, I found myself talking to myself in the mirror as if I was my higher self. I would ask a question, then my higher self would answer. At some point, I was told that I had “gone as far as one could go on the path of separation.” Further questioning explained this to mean that I had previously made it to 6th density Service-to-Self but somehow depolarized and became a wanderer to learn to polarize Service-to-Others.
At this point, the large dose really kicked in, and it felt like I died and was in a life review. Here it was revealed to me that I am to learn the lessons of self-love, compassion, vulnerability, and forgiveness. At this point, I got extremely frustrated because I fully understood that I would not be able to progress past 3rd density until this happened. After this, the psychedelics became overwhelming and I felt like I was being attacked by whatever Service-to-Self higher entities I used to be associated with. They were belittling me and saying how they wouldn’t want me back anyway. I then started getting flashbacks to previous deaths across time from as far back as several thousand years ago to as recently as one that occurred not long after my current birth (is that even possible? I would assume so since I was an infant when this other-self died and the experience matters more than the actual illusion of linear time).
Then it got even worse and I felt like I was in hell. It was like being stripped down to nothing but pure hatred. It had flashbacks of all the anger and hatred I’ve felt to others in this life and it was like I was screaming at myself to forgive them but because I didn’t, I was left to burn in my own hatred. I then had even more intense flashbacks from past lives that became so painful, I found myself begging to have the veil of forgetting put back; symbolically I did this by taking a trip killer and locking my ID in a safe (idk it was something to do). Then I blacked out. When I woke up, I didn’t (and still don’t) remember the worst parts of it. I guess my begging of the veil to be put back worked. It seems I have failed in my charge as a wanderer numerous times for thousands of years.
So my question is, are all wanderers here to serve others? I felt as if that is not the purpose of me being here, rather I am here for my own spiritual development given my previous status as Service-to-Self. It seemed in all the Earth past life death flashbacks I had, my circumstances were similar to my current life. The last death seemed to put me in almost the exact situation my current life is in. I have always been extremely selfish, arrogant, greedy, hateful, and averse to vulnerability, though in recent years I have been trying to change that (besides the vulnerability).
This trip has really affected me in that it also told me that my time is running out and that this could be my last incarnation before something has to change, whatever that means. Learning to be a selfless person just seems so insurmountable given how easy and natural it is for me to retreat to the safety of my negative self when faced with catalysts. In some ways, I am more compassionate than most others, but I still feel like this is going to be an absurdly hard thing to accomplish. I was told by my higher self that I would be here “again and again and again” until I could accomplish this, and in my trip state, I honestly supported that idea, but it terrifies my now that my trip is over. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety, and this puts a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on me. Late in my trip when I mentioned being overwhelmed by my hate, I actually thought I’d died and was in some temporary hell to learn just how powerful and bad my emotions were. I would be quite sad if this is what would actually have happened if I were to somehow die now.
I wish I could just be a kind, loving person with strong, stable relationships and a quiet life. But doing that means I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and the thought of that stuff not working out makes me avoid any attempt. My current selfish self just has too much safety. Sure I won’t be hurt by being StS, but it feels like I am in a prison of my own design - one that I could walk out of at any time I wanted to but continuously choose not to out of fear of being emotionally hurt. And it annoys me to no end seeing how most people don’t struggle with this.
Of course, this could all be totally wrong given I was extremely high on drugs.